Casting Couch

They say that a woman has to work half as hard to get twice the credit which man gets. Nothing affirms the truth of this maxim more than the gut wrenching experience I have had to go through.

It’s almost like all the hard work I put in not working hard got recognized for what it was. It’s almost like all the hard work I put in, by working hard didn’t get recognized. Read ahead.

My journey commenced when I was about 8 years old. I was privileged enough to have loving parents, parents who cared for me, parents who loved me from the bottom of their hearts, loved my hearts’ bottom and loved my bottom too.

It was actually when I was 12 years old that my epithelial duct was first fingered by my father. And it’s this which provided the initial nudge that one needs for a successful Bollywood career. Needless to say, this fingering and thumbing became quite commonplace after the age of 12. I also found some major changes in the functioning of my body, thanks to my father’s relentless rubbing, pecking and stroking of my body. Sure, there were times when my negligent father would ignore his duty of father and stay away for as long as a month with some other daughter of his, but while doing this, he always ensured that he had his friends to substitute for him and never allowed me to suffer the pangs of loneliness and neglect that many other children have to go through.

The seeds were sown. The ground work’s done. The foundation was ‘laid’. This is what I exactly needed for a bright, yet demanding career in Bollywood.

After this, it was smooth sailing. I migrated to Mumbai- the city of dreams at the age of 19. All those movies I had watched, all that rigorous training I had received from my father would give me the edge, which I needed. Yes, the edge to compete against thousands of stary-eyed-girls looking for a break in Bollywood, and to get ahead of em. From initially working in massage parlors, to working as model in condom ads, then to working in C-grade Bhojpuri movies, my march towards being in Bollywood was slow but sure.

I had turned 21 and bravo, I got an audition call from a popular movie director- a certain Madhur Bunglekar.Nervous was I initially in my meet- who wouldn’t be? This could have either made or broke my career. I was at the highest level, almost…just one step away from doing what only the rarest of rare and only the luckiest of lucky have achieved: A career break in Bollywood.

Interview went all good; I read the script, gave the audition, mouthed a few lines and was, much to my astonishment, offered the role of heroine in that film. Buoy, was I surprised!

Astonishing! Tragic! The director never even offered to sleep with me, and offered me a role without even alluding to the 3 letter word. In fact- don't know why- he rejected my offer to get laid with him. That’s how all my hard work came to naught. Bastard! I’ll sue that director for quashing my dreams of ‘performing at the highest level’. This certainly wasn’t the 'Bollywood career' I was dreaming for. Whatever suddenly happened to the practice of ‘casting couch’?

- As written by a 'soon to be Bollywood star'.

Reality TV shows and controversies

The reality TV show on BeSahara channel -‘Loser Harega Big”- seems to have run into trouble with 3 voted-out-contestants accusing a surviving contestant of cheating.

The show went on air for the first time on 6^th October. It was an instant hit with the masses, particularly with housewives of the age group 20-70, children of the age group 5-20, men in the age group of 10-70 constituting the largest chunk of the audience.

The innovative concept of getting together all those talented singers, dancers, roadies, etc, who had been knocked off from various other reality TV shows due to judgmental errors of the audience on one platform, had never been explored before.

The show had the participants washing their own underwear and wearing new socks every week in front of the audience, after which they would appeal to the audience to vote for them, on the basis of dirt removed from the underwear and smell exhumed from the socks after the participants had worn them.

The former(dirt generated) was something which the audience had to gauge all by themselves by watching the activity on TV, but for the smell that the socks exhumed, they were advised to take clue from the opinion of judges seated in the studio- all of whom who have fortunately survived- who assigned every participant marks out of 10 depending on how many minutes did they (the judges) slip into unconsciousness after smelling the socks of the various participants.

The concept couldn’t have gotten any more challenging. Participants literally had to be ‘on their toes’ for a whole week so as to ensure that their feet remain as filthy and dingy as possible. The freedom given to participants truly brought out the best in them. Some of them smashed crabs with their legs, some stepped onto human-feces, some crunched eggs with their legs and what not! Phew!

To ensure their underwears remain smelly and fetid, the participants went for a jog everyday 2 to 5 times, with some of them, for the rest of the time, continually jumping up and down, till they exhausted all the salt in their bodies. Rules were strict here though, due to sensitive nature of the portion which the underwears guard, and hence no external substances were allowed to to be sprayed or applied on the underwear.

The trouble has resulted due to 3 of the female participants who were voted out accusing one of the other female participants who still survives, of stealing their underwears. They said that it was only after they were done with washing could they make out that the underwear they had washed was not theirs. It was not possible before, as almost everyone’s underwear looked dingy and murky, and only after they were washed could the subtle differences in design and color be spotted.

The female participant who has been accused flatly denied the allegations. She said that she had slogged her a*se off to make it to this show. First, she started her career as a TV actor. She was fired due to her pathetic performance in guest appearance. Then, she participated in one of singing reality shows where her voice actually drew comparisons with that of a donkey’s shriek. Then, she participated in the dancing competition where she was knocked off in the last round after her excess-body-fat was laid bare due to a wardrobe malfunction. And now she’s here, the favorite to win the contest, and the allegations could have not come at a worse time for her. She made a strong statement that ‘she has only washed her own underwears and not of anyone else’, and that she will continue doing so, with due reverence to all the 'dhobis' of course.

However, negotiations are on for now and the matter is being investigated. Till the show-directors manage to unearth the truth, a ‘wild card entries’ episode has been announced where 2/3 of the voted-out-females-who-have-made-allegations will be voted back by the audience.

It will be interesting to see what follows. People are requested not to miss out on the episode and vote! Vote for the candidate who reminds you most of your unkempt, unhygienic, dirty and disgusting self. Remember, your vote can make or break someone’s career!

'Dynasty-ism', 'Nepotism' and 'Sycophancy' in Congress

The recent appointment of utterly useless Rahul Gandhi as Congress General Secretary, NSUI General Secretary and Youth Congress General Secretary once again re-affirms the point that Con-gress is a nepotistic, dynastic party where the only ones who call the shots are Nehru-Gandhi descendants, and having Nehru-Gandhi in your name automatically guarantees you ascension to top-level positions in the party.

What exactly has Rahul Gandhi done to merit this position? Was he chosen on the basis of the performance he displayed by reducing the Congress vote share in UP? Or was he chosen on the basis of the quality of Colombian bimbo he has been able to hook up with? Or was he selected for his innocent, cherubic face which can charm the ignorant, illiterate masses to the extent Laloo’s rustic, boorish and buffoonish ways do? Or was he chosen because he is a son of an absolutely incompetent and inarticulate Italian bitch who currently heads the Congress party? Or was he chosen because he’s the grandson of a certain Indira Gandhi who was moronic enough to release captured 93,000 captured Pakistanis, in return for Pakistan’s signing of Simla Agreement which it has flagrantly violated? Or was he chosen because he’s the great-grandson of utterly incompetent Jawarlal Nehru-who become the PM at the behest of nepotistic Gandhi’s overruling the decision of 15 state Congress units which had actually chosen Sardar Patel for the post of PM- and went on to unleash one disaster after another on our country, during his rein?

Whatever be the proclaimed reason, the truth of the matter is that Congress is a party wherein for a member nothing is a greater sign of capability than being born in the parivar. How else can you explain Rahul Gandhi pompously and shamelessly declaring in 2004 that “I could have become the PM of India at the age of 25”? The parivar has treated the party as their 'jagir' and the country as their fiefdom. Nehru, Indira, Sanjay, Rajiv, Sonia, Rahul, it's sickening.

Anyone who rebels against the dynasty is reduced to being a non-entity or is shunted out of the party. What happened to Pawar and Sangma? How else was Antonia Maino elected as the party president over above Sitaram Kesri, a more experienced and a more-deserving candidate?

The Congress party is rotten with Gandhi-Nehru bootlickers, third-grade guttersnipes, abominable sycophants who have not a smidgen of pride and self-respect, who miss no opportunity in displaying their loyalty to the great parivar. A look at the current cabinet ministers tells us that even if you have failed to win elections, even if you have questionable credentials; you can still be a minister provided you have had a consistent track record of wagging you tail before the parivar members.

Home Minister Shivraj Patil:

The bastard is alleged to have links with Naxalities. He had lost the Lok Sabha election from Latur, and still finds himself as the Home Minister simply because he has been a loyal soldier of the parivar.

Defence Minister Pranab Mukherjee:

This man, in spite of no record of contesting elections till 04, finds himself in charge of important Defence Portfolio. To be noted that he won his only election from Jangipur seat in WB, which is a Congress stronghold, where a Congressman is assured of a victory.

Law Minister Hansraj Bharadwaj:

His father was a Nehru and Indira loyalist. Hansraj continued the family tradition and was a Rajiv loyalist. It’s only because of his unwavering loyalty that he’s been able to get nominated in Rajya Sabha time and time again. And, yes he was the person who went ahead with de-freezing Quatrochi’s Accounts, thus helping him to flee.

Similar things can be said about the likes of Mani Shanker Aiyar, Ambika Soni, Renuka Chowdhary etc. And who can forget the great Pratibha Patil, the most famous geriatric of India; senile, titular, puppet President.

The thing common to all of them is: They are all dogs. But it has to be said, to their credit, that they are dogs of the highest grade. They all have an exceptional record of parivar-service. If only we had a few dogs that are as loyal to India as these dogs are to Nehru-Gandhi parivar, our country would have surely progressed more.

Also, detestable was the way our newspapers announced this story. Look at the headlines of some of the popular newspapers:

“Rahul's elevation shows Cong confidence ahead of elections”

“Post-makeover, Cong gets future-ready”

“Another Yuvraj rises? Rahul made gen secy”

Some of them sounded like Congress propaganda rags proclaiming Rahul Gandhi’s appointment as a victory of youth over ‘old-guard’, and likening him to Dhoni, Yuvraj. If these newspaper rags had an ounce of objectivity left, they wouldn’t have shied away from describing what a contrast Rahul Gandhi’s appointment was to Dhoni’s appointment as the captain which was purely merit-based. They wouldn’t have refrained from drawing a contrast between India’s winning of World Cup and elevation of members of same family-dynasty in Congress.

To conclude the post, it makes sense to wonder: What would change if any one of us was in place of Rahul Gandhi born in the parivar? Nothing, actually. Even with more capabilities we would only be as worthy as the utterly useless, pumpkin Rahul Gandhi is. What would change if Rahul Gandhi was in our place? Much! He would have been nothing more than a watchman, if not a waiter.

MAKING HEADLINES - by Man Friday and Kapil Bhasin

MAKING HEADLINES

We have started a comic strip called Making Headlines. The artist is Kapil Bhasin. The strip is still in its nascent stages, so please excuse the technical mistakes.

India's lexicon- more real than reality

I have come up with the idea of creating an India-specific lexicon which will cover words, epithets, famous personalities, political terms, economic terms, social jargon etc. and their meanings/what they stand for/description/usage . It’s an ongoing project, and I will be adding new terms regularly. Readers are requested to suggest me terms which can be included here. The following ten examples will give you a good idea:

1) Apathy:

a) Masses’ unwillingness to jack off over farmer’s plight.

b) Media’s inability to sensationalize and glamorize farmer-suicides.

2) ASI (Archaeological Survey of India):

Grave-diggers. Everything Hindu, including Ram, is a myth, as Hindus do not bury the corpse.

3) Common man:

a) The person who has cornered all the economic development since India’s independence, and the only person about whom every political party, particularly Congress is concerned about. In Hindi, referred to as ‘aam aadmi’.

b) Any invisible entity.

4) Competency:

Proximity to Gandhi-Nehru parivar.

Usage: We need leaders of competency. Let Rahul Gandhi’s cousin become India’s next PM, now that he has died.

5) Cricket:

The biggest religion in India; and the only one in which the existence of a god- Sachin Tendulkar- has been soundly disproved.

6) Feminism:

a) An ideology by which a woman viciously competes other women to prove her own superiority vis-à-vis men.

b) An ideology which canalizes women’s hatred of men towards a productive cause of pulling down other bitches.

7) Hindustan Times (HT):

Unofficial spokesperson of Pakistan’s diplomatic ambassador to India. Also, since the name is Hindustan times, the paper voices concerns of Bangladesh, Nepal, Burma, Afghanistan and India too.

8) Secularism:

a) Controlling the spread of Hinduism, and promoting Islam and Christianity.

b) Broad-mindedness to allow yourself to be blackmailed by threats of ‘minority-estrangement’, and glorifying the same.

Usage: India is a secular country. In most of the Hindu-Muslim riots, more Hindus have been killed.

(9) Traffic-cop:

a) An entity that teaches rich bastards the value of money, and not-so-rich the benefits of extortion.

b) The only pedestrian in India, who’s safe from the excesses of negligent drunk-drivers.

Drunk Driving - Man Friday

So, it appears that all the naka bandi, excessive torch shining and dubiously enthusiastic breath smelling that has become very much a regular feature of Mumbai’s night life is not just an excuse for Cops to come close to people’s faces. Reports state that the number of road accident deaths in the month of July 2007 was nearly 50% less than those reported for the same month in previous year. The police have naturally taken the opportunity to revel in their apparent success and the press seems to have been either coaxed or pistol whipped into joining the party. Yogesh Joshi’s front page article in the Hajisthan Times where he eulogizes the Mumbai Police’s drive against ‘drink driving’ seems to suggest that the aforementioned party wasn’t exactly a dry one itself. Do I smell hypocrisy? It couldn’t be.

Anyway, after the reader finally deciphers the cryptic mess and realizes that the term ‘drink driving’ is indeed a reference to ‘drunk driving’ and not just some new ride that has been introduced at Essel World, the Hajisthan’s Times article goes on to reveal that in actual numeric terms, the number of deaths in road accidents has reduced by only 30 (from 68 to 38) in July 2007 as compared to previous years. It seems to have been slightly overlooked that this kind of discrepancy in yearly death tolls could well have been caused by other factors such as

1. The comparatively sparse rainfall received by the city this July
2. The fact that traffic (even at night) has increased so much that it is
becoming hard to drive over the speed of 40 km/h making it almost impossible
to have a fatal car accident
3. The fact that numbers reported by the police have the validity of disposed
sanitary napkins.

Assuming the police’s supposed campaign against drunk driving has been the reason for the reduced deaths, a simple question comes to mind i.e. “Why the fuck haven’t they done this before?” Unfortunately the simplicity of the question has transpired into it having escaped the minds of the Great Indian Press.

I promised myself this wouldn’t be another cynical article. So, before I once again work myself into an agitated frenzy of hair pulling, authority bashing and name calling, I’d like to come back to the core problem: How can the problem of drunk driving be curbed?
Yes, the police have become far more vigilant with respect to the issue and the constant checks and stricter punishments will no doubt immensely contribute to eradicating the problem. But what seems to have eluded the grasp of the conceited and prudish authorities is that while putting a clamp on drinking and driving is an explicit necessity, the provision of an alternate is just as crucial.
See, the truth is, that a fair number if not the majority of the inhabitants of our metropolitans enjoy the odd drink and not all of us are the belligerent anti-social elements that the authorities portray us as. Unlike some of the politicians who label us as outcastes, we do not have the luxury of having personal bars with small time Tamil actresses as dancing girls, in our homes, nor do we have the benefit of an entourage including cars with sirens to take us pub-hopping.

So what does a common man like me do when he wants to grab a few beers on a Friday night? Public transport dissolves itself as an option the minute there are women involved. No girl in their right mind would risk taking a cab after 1 o clock in this city, with or without a man accompanying them and especially not after having had a few drinks. Ironically, the HT’s article on the diminution of drunk driving has a footer for an article titled “Crime against women on the rise”

The only viable option is to cajole some South Indian teetotaler named Naidu into becoming a part of your group and then assigning him the job of designated driver on your nights out. The plan works like clockwork until Naidu realizes that while the rest of the guys in the group are making it with drunken bimbos in the back-seat; he is having trouble performing on himself at home because his hand hurts from moving the dam gear stick.
The dilemma usually ends up with people convincing themselves that they will not drink more than they can handle and that they will be very careful while driving. I confess to having done the same myself. I am not trying to make any excuses. All I am saying is that the majority of people on the roads on a weekend night truly believe that they are not incapacitated enough for it to affect their driving. The problem of course is that there is no definite way of telling just how much a particular individual can drink and sill be in control of a vehicle. So it becomes imperative that any alcohol level detected in the blood of a driver be treated as a case of drunk driving.

Before you sneer at my suggestion, please bear heed to the fact that it is not a comprehensive plan but rather an idea which I hope will eventually manifest into something that contributes to lessening the increasing problem of drunk driving in Mumbai. My idea is simply to have a sepcialised taxi service exclusively for the purpose of taking people to and fro from pubs and clubs in the city. The service should be run on a public private partnership basis with the government licensing the job out to a reputed private company while providing subsidy and continuing to be involved in maintaining the security of the system. The service will afford people the ability to call for a cab within an hour of their departure. The cab will then pick them up at an exact time and be theirs for the rest of the night. The hirer will be free to use the cab to hop from one pub to another and the driver will stay with the group until they are dropped home.
There are two factors which are key to the success of such a system:

1. Trust - As I mentioned earlier, people shy away from using public transport at night primarily because they consider it unsafe. Hence it is imperative that this specialized service builds a feeling of trust amongst the potential users. An important step in this direction is to restrict the service to one specifically for the purpose of ‘pub and club hopping’. This way, consumers will know that the drivers are being hired with this specifically in mind. Also the service must be licensed to a reputed company and the government must back it all the way. The look of the service is also very important. A well dressed chauffeur in uniform and a sleek looking cab immediately trigger a feeling of comfort in the party goers’ minds.

2. Cost – Considering the amount people spend on drinks and entry charges at clubs, one would assume that they wouldn’t mind spending at least a quarter of that amount on their own safety. Unfortunately in a country riddled with the penny wise and the pound foolish, this is not the case and any fee of over Rs.400 for transport on a night-out would I’m afraid be an instant turn off.
This poses a bit of a dilemma, as in order to maintain the trust mentioned above, the company cannot afford to cut back on driver’s salaries or other expenses. The only reasonable solution seems to be for the government to subsidise the service. Another possibility is to tie up with leading pubs and clubs and arrange a system whereby the users of this specialized taxi service are entitled to discounts at those places. This would give the clubs/pubs good P.R. in terms of them being anti- drunk-driving institutions and will also encourage the use of the service.

As the service picks up, certain other elements can be added along the way such as closable windows between the front seat and back, to allow certain other unmentionable activities that couples get up to on their nights out. Regular clubbers could be given license to ask for the same driver and car repeatedly so that they feel a sense of ownership over the vehicle.

As I said, this is only an idea in its nascent stage. There always will be some idiots who will want to show off their fancy rollers and will laugh at this article and say “Don’t drink and drive, you might spill” and then find themselves very funny. But I do believe my idea is one that could, if worked upon, have a significant impact in curbing this social problem that has seemed to flare it’s nostrils off late.

How India reacted to bomb-blasts which occurred in Hyderabad on 25/8/07

The media community got a rude shock when the Indian Prime Minister Mr. Atal Bihari Hajpayee refrained from commenting anything whatsoever in the press conference which was held after the twin blasts that rocked the city of Hyderabad on 25th August, 07.

AB Hajpayee evinced the same characteristic demeanor and body-language that he was known for. He carefully listened to the reporter’s question (the first and the only one), slipped into a state that’s perceived as ‘coma’, flung his hands, blinked his eyebrows- all this, as usual, occurred in a span of two hours- after which it looked like Hajpayee would utter a few words, provide the much-awaited reaction, and delineate his strategy of combating terror. But that wasn’t to be. The press-conference was, at that point, called off by RSS citing 'colossal waste of time' as the reason.

Faced with the possibility of not delivering any 'breaking news' on the hottest issue of that day, media-people came up with an idea to avert the same by speculating various “what-if” scenarios, with respect to how would have some of the other Indian political leaders reacted to these blasts.

First, they speculated how YSR Rut-ti and his party would have reacted to Hyderabad blasts. After a discussion, they thought this is how he would have reacted:

"What do you expect us to do? Do you want us to keep vigil on all the chaat-eating people?"

"The state government will definitely not have the wherewithal to go into this sort of intelligence operations.”

Then, they speculated how Shivraj Pothole would have reacted:

"When floods and incidents like these happen, people try to help each other to mitigate suffering."

"We did what we felt was right. Such incidents, in fact, took place even after POTA was brought in."

"The country is very big and even if we have the information that something is likely to happen, sometimes we don't know when and where this is likely to happen."

Then, they speculated what would Muckmoron Singh have done. After discussion, they came to the conclusion that he would have decided to create a special permanent fund for the victims of terrorist attacks.

After this hypothesizing was over, some of the news-channels decided to conduct a poll to decide which amongst these should be considered ‘the most appropriate reaction’. Votes/SMS’/Phone-calls came in from all parts of India, and the vote-split (average of all the channels) read as:

20%: Hajpayee’s reaction was the most appropriate
80%: The bail given to Sanjay Dutt and Salman Khan was a right thing

So it was concluded that Vajpayee’s reaction- that of maintaining complete Silence- was indeed better than the reactions which others would have hypothetically given.

This is how India tackled the sinister problem of Terrorism, after twin blasts that ravaged Hyderabad, and on the next day of the blasts, everyone was at work, performing daily chores and gossiping “How come only 80% of people think that Sanjay Dutt and Salman Khan deserve to be free?”, “What was Sanjay Dutt doing in Vaishno Devi?” and the headlines “Hyderabad is a resilient city", “Resilent Hyderabad bounces right back”, were splashed all over the newspapers and TVs.

Thus, all was well till the Terrorists came to kill again.

Thanks to indifferent Orkutians, Adnan Patrawala won't come back!

Hello friends! How are you all doings? I am writing this in tributes to our Orkut friend hu made fraandships with us- Adnan Patrawala. My name is Hoopesh (how's my pic?). The following write-up has being transplanteds from Hinghlish to English. Here the write-up is:

Adnan Patrawala-the personification of ‘Innocence’, a 16-year old who drove Skoda, and most importantly, a person who dedicated his tender age in services of Orkut- has indeed become immortal, regardless of whether he comes back alive from death or not!

One would have expected the whole of Orkut community to join hands, pay their homage to their fellow, passionate Orkutian, and wish for his return, after the news of his being murdered brutally was confirmed. But instead what did we see? Just a few random chaps professing their ‘love’, ‘their best regards’ to Adnan? Just a few handfuls! An insignificant minority, which was/is as good as ZILCH!

The whole point is this: If only enough Orkutians- at least a majority- would have come forward, posted messages on Adnan’s scrapbook, started umpteen communities along the lines of “Pay Homage to Adnan”, “We are Adnan fans”, Adnan would have definitely resurrected, come alive and returned to this world so that we would have had a chance to savor his face, his angelic looks for some more time.

As a fellow Orkutian, I can only shrug my shoulders looking at the following facts:

Only 27 communities have been started paying tribute, homage etc to Adnan.
Only 11,xxx k scraps have been posted on Adnan’s original profile in 7 days.

Further, the max members in any one of these communities were just 2,196. What happened to other Orkutians? Sure, the number of Orkutians in these community far exceeds the number that’s seen in useless communities which discuss farmer suicides/drunk-driving etc.. But then, the number is much less than compared to the ones we witness in communities which discuss equally important issues that confront us- for example “Abhishekh-Aisharya fans unite” community, “Meri C***h Men Tera L**d” community, etc.

But still, there’s a little solace to be derived, for one-time-but-no-longer passionate Orkutians like me. A lot many people who scrapped Adnan on Orkut genuinely looked like people who desperately wanted Adnan back, and who seem to acknowledge what a great contributor he was to the larger cause of Orkutting. Out of more than 11k scraps posted on Adnan’s scrapbook in 7 days, some are indeed inspirational and worth-mentioning here:

may god treat you well???can you use a comp.in heaven than reply me if you can....

good morning bro!!!

waiting 4 u 2 accept my friend request.......brother.......god bless you dear....

hey dew'd....
may god bless you nd may u return back safe!!!!!

Even if you all promote da Community for juss 5 mins then also it will make a difference…just copy and paste da links in ADNAN and ANGEL’s profile or scrap your frends ask them to join…..This is a global issue and its high time v put our foot down and ensure dat innocent lives are not lost…!!

may god bless you dear...........and hope u r fine whereever you are.........

I also think media didn’t do enough justice to Adnan-story. Sure they ran headlines- “A 16 year old kidnapped” for full 3 days and also discussed shades of personal life of Adnan- his habits, his love for cars, how rich he was, etc. Some of them conducted special panel discussions too. And the coverage given, surely, was greater as compared to the coverage any useless, irrelevant story- such as flood that had occurred in Gujarat a few months back- has ever received. But was the coverage even remotely comparable to “who’s gathered outside Salman’s house?”, after he was sentenced, or “what did Sanjay Dutt eat on his first day after he got bail?”, or “Why was Reshamiya wearing a burkha when he visited Ajmer shrine?” Not at all!

Whether Adnan comes back or not remains to be seen. As I have pointed out in my earlier statements, if only more people would have started Communities and scrapped in Adnan’s scrapbook, with some aid from the media, Adnan would have returned for sure. Alas, that wasn’t the case!

Allow me to speculate a bit.Let’s say, he returns. In that case, I don’t think he should make a comeback on Orkut. Quite frankly, Orkut doesn’t deserve Adnan! Let us all read his profile and express our condolences.

about me: wrds cant describe me but i m always coool wht more?

passions: driving all da way & cricket..

sports: i jas like playing cricket.....nuin els

activities: only drumming

books: i dont read dem much ......

music: hmm..there are load's and load's of them

tv shows: the amazing race, pimp ma ride,discovery ,nat geo and all...

I am compelled to say, he should-if he comes back- shun Orkut & join Facebook! I have already initiated a community, whose name is “Adnan, come back and join Facebook”. I shall put up its Orkut link here soon.

Also, in future, unless the Orkutains get up from their lazy, slothful arses and actually go out and press the button for joining a community started for member who’s dead, or preferably start one by themselves, and put up an Herculean effort in scrapping the departed member at least once in every 10 minutes; let me tell you what will be the dreadful consequences: The kidnapping, murder of the members will continue unabated, if not increase. Further, there will be no justice for the dead-person’s family members and most importantly, dead person won’t even feel like coming back to this world and Orkut after seeing such a lousy, indifferent, base & blasé reaction of Orkutians to his/her death.

Time for another revolution: ‘Blackening the faces of alleged criminals’ to uproot Crime in India

News-story link

There comes a time when Injustice assumes enormous proportions, Police inaction is at its peak, ordinary citizens’ patience with existing law and order structure at its lowest ebb. This is the point where something extraordinary happens, and changes the posterity forever. In 2007, this ‘something extraordinary’ has taken a shape of ‘picking up a coal-powder packet and blackening the faces of alleged criminals', for the noble purpose of ending the crimes & social problems in this country forever.

I appeal to people to shrug the complacency, give up the lackadaisical approach to life, wake up from the slumber and pickup the ember! Join hands with me and many other disenchanted citizens to blacken the faces of villains such as dishonest school-principles, wanton professors, inept railway station masters, corrupt ticket-checkers, and many such scumbags.

This is not the time to wait for inept police & inefficient courts to play their respective roles. This is not the time to crib about the injustice you’ve suffered. This is the time to pick up coal from the nearby shop- or preferably a coal-powder packet- incite a mob of a few handfuls, call up the media channels, and blacken the faces of those alleged criminals, and serve the society with an example as to how dreadful the consequences will be, if you create situations which lead people to make grave allegations against you.

If we don’t act now, and don’t blacken the faces of the alleged criminals, our future generations will have to pay a hefty price. Yes, my friends, for the cost of not picking up a coal-powder packet is greater than cost of picking up one. (The latter is just 5 rupees). ‘The cost of inaction is greater than cost of action’, to put it in the words of George Bush, as spoken in the inspiring speech he made post-9/11-terrorist-attacks.

It’s the time to go straightaway to the school and chase that allegedly perverted professor up to the school-gate and blacken his face, or go straightaway to the railway stationmaster’s-office and blacken his face, and make him pay for his suspected inaction in improving railway facilities, or go straightaway to the hospital and blacken the face of the doctor who is alleged to have used indecent language against female patients.

After the faces of the said-alleged-criminals are blackened, they must be garlanded with chappals and paraded in the neighboring area. Just rub, rub and rub the coal-powder till the face starts resembling an Indian road that’s just been given a tar-finish, though in this case, unlike the tar-finish of Indian road that loses its luster too soon, the stigma of the coal-powder will stay on the alleged criminal’s face forever.

Let the sophistical arguments of those who oppose this measure deter you not! If they aver that you took the law in your hands, respond to it by saying that your hands were chock-a-block with coal-powder packets, how would you then have taken the law in your hands. If they lament that you should have waited for police to act, respond to it by citing how the police in real life are always late when it comes to taking action, just like they are in reel life. If they allege that you were being violent, ask them if the so-called victims of face-blackening haven’t ever played ‘Holi’ in their lives and how if they have, they should, for one more time, and if they have not, they should for the first time.

The detractors’ tongues will still continue to wag. They will even go so far as to allege that I am doing all this just to gain political mileage. That’s the trick by which they will attempt to deprive you-the self-appointed vigilante- of the credit for your deeds. But worry not, you will get full credit where it’s due. So make sure that all of you who are the members of my party completely dissociate yourselves from the party, in so far as your revolutionary “face-blackening” actions are concerned. For your actions, much as I would want to take some credit; for your benefit and for the benefit of this cause, I assure you, I shall completely distance myself from taking any.

Let the revolution whose seeds have already been sown be taken into the next stage! I have been informed that BEST bus-number 212 that commences at 9 am everyday in Mumbai is too-overcrowded and too uncomfortable-to-commute-by. Gear up! It’s time to blacken the face of the wretched bus-driver and end the problem of uncomfortable-commuting forever.

As Shahrukh Khan says in the ‘Lead India’ campaign ad., JUST DO IT!

Indian Independence Day-Glorious Pakistan?

There’s no limit to the stupidity that some of talent-shows being aired on TV descend to. I was watching ‘Sa re ga ma pa Challenge 2007, a talent-show for singers, on Zee Tv. They aired a special Independence Day episode, where Indian singers sang songs praising our motherland-India-obviously. The contest had/has 3 Pukestani singers as participants as well, and they were allowed to, much to my disgust, sing Pukestani patriotic songs. The next episode was even more shocking. As per the competition rules, one participant ought to get eliminated- the one who gets the least number of votes from audience. In this episode, all the participants in the bottom-3 (3 singers who got the least number of votes) were Pukestanis. And going against the competition rules, judges and the show-managers decided that since a few people had circulated canards in the media that: “Pukestani singers refused to sing songs Indian patriotic songs”, the audience got influenced and did not for those Pukestanis, they would not eliminate any one in that episode!

Judges’ decision was followed by a farcical drama, with Pukestani singers getting emotional, the Indian participants-with tears coming out of their eyes- hugging the Pukestanis, everyone in audience rejoicing at the decision that was arrived at, concluding with the host of the show- Aditya Narayan- making a statement :“All these false rumours and canards were a handiwork of those who wish to create barriers and divide India and Pukestan. Nothing of what’s been spread has happened.”

I am totally disgusted at this episode, particularly with the show organizers, judges, the host, and the audience in the studio. Is it difficult for us to acknowledge a simple fact: Pukestan by its very definition is founded on anti-Hindustan sentiment? It’s the same scum of a nation which has waged 4 wars against us. It’s the same country which has initiated and sustained a proxy-war against India, which has liquidated more than 90k innocent lives till date?

For God fucking sake, it’s our Independence Day, and it’s an Indian talent-show. Those Pukestanis should have sung Indian patriotic songs just like others.. Instead, the platform was allowed to eulogize a land that’s always been and is still a hub of Terrorism. I am not bothered about what occurred behind the scenes, whether the Pukestani singers refused, or they were not asked to. I don’t care what does the so-called ordinary, average Pukestani thinks of India and Indians. The fact of the matter is: conceptually and historically Pukestan, by its own proclamation, is an arch enemy of India. Any thing that glorifies Pukestan, is an affront to India, and hence is something plain unacceptable to me. It’s a disgrace to see Vande Mataram being followed by some Pukestani patriotic song.

I was also rankled by the utter nonsense and tripe that the Pukestani singers were mouthing, clearly trying to appeal to emotional side of the Indian audience. What was detestable was that one of them even gave a back-handed compliment by saying: “how he always felt at home in India, and how due to rumors & canards he was feeling very uncomfortable and depressed”, and “how he’s just there to sing and do nothing else”. In that case, if they are only here to sing, why didn’t they sing Vande Mataram or any other song glorifying India. It’s our fucking country, if you can’t respect my Independence Day, go back and compete in Pukestani talent shows, where, the voices of singers, I am sure, are so similar that without seeing the singers, it’s hard to distinguish one voice from the others.

The judges, what should I say about them? Just like most of us Indians, they are equally ignorant of what Pukestan stands for, or it seems they too are typical pseudo-secularist media-influenced types. Himesh Reshamiya: against whose opprobrious music, even the boisterous cacophony and slogan-chanting of opposition parties in Parliament will pale in comparison. Ismail Darbar: the man who has not had a single successful album after Devdas, because of which he’s stuck to just being a judge, as that’s the only way he can get enough money to trim his disgusting, eternally-oily hair. Bappi Lahri: a man who’s every second musical composition is plagiarized- and still not worth emulating, as he’s known to sue people who’ve plagiarized his songs. Or Vishal-Shekhar: the duo which through its album Bluffmaster gave us some of the most popular wannabe songs, which are still a rage in page-3 parties frequented by the likes of Booby Darling.

Then the studio-audience, of which most of the members are grossly ignorant and astoundingly stupid. These look like the types who even though have no money to support themselves, will still take a loan to pay for the show-tickets, just so that they are seen dancing and prancing like monkeys on TV, for a few seconds. They have not a slightest of clue of what India-Pukestan issue is about, and still have the gall to mindlessly suck up to and applaud the equally-ignorant-judges’ decision, and utter useless, anachronistic platitudes such as “India Pukestan bhai bhai” “Sadiyon se yahi karta aaye hai Bharat”, which they had learned during their last year of education-in most cases not exceeding 5th standard-in Municipality schools.

Then the biggest dolt of them all: the incompetent show host- Aditya Narayan. Leaving aside his worthy credentials namely-: a) He’s a son of a popular singer Udit Narayan. b) He’s sung a few songs as a playback singer for ‘child’ characters in movies, because his dad wasn’t allowed to sing for 2 characters- father and his child, we have before us, what Aditya Narayan looks like on the show: An image of a complete jackass smiling with his mouth ever-open for flies to enter in. He’s a complete dunce, with an unrivaled talent to bore even the stupidest of Saas-Bahu-serial-fan to death. He should migrate to Pukestan, and I am sure he will win the most tele-genic TV host award, apart from being the only one there.

I’d like to say so much more, but shall end the spanking and reserve it for some other post!

Adios!

Muggles Rule

The Wizards vs the Muggles

Right, I realise that we are all over Potter mania and have moved on to bigger and better things; such as, titillating ourselves by rubbing our nipples with the toy wands we bought when ‘The Deathly Hallows’ was released. This being said, I am sure there are still a few of the ‘I want to sniff Snape’s underwear’ types who are still re-reading the first six books, trying to find hints alluding to Snape’s love for Lily, Dumbledore’s friendship with Grindelwald, the existence of Aberfroth etc. Well, as always, we are here to help you. So let me just explain the reason for most of the events in the much awaited seventh book. They go a little like this:

1. Rowling is a kinky bitch and rushed through the book because she couldn’t wait for the last part where everyone starts making out.

2. She realised that everyone already knew who R.A.B. was and that Snape would end up as a hero and shat her pants as it dawned upon her that she didn’t have a storyline. She then went on to smear the crap all over the manuscript.

3. The only other probable ending was to have Harry and Voldy make out in the end in manifestation of their ‘connection’.

4. After Rowling got rich, she started hanging out a lot with Pete Doherty.

The only thing unpredictable about the seventh and final (hopefully) Potter book is that it has been over a month since the relsease and yet, for all the articles written both in favour and against the book; none have included this simple observation: Compared to wizards, we Muggles really rule. To be a wizard is every child’s fantasy. But after reading Potter, I’ve come to the conclusion that those wand waggling fools don’t have a patch on us.

Let me elucidate my point.
Voldemort is supposed to be aiming at taking over the world and enslaving muggles, right? Well what if he had a face off with the leader of the muggle world. Say this fictional leader was a man with the power of George Bush, the brains of Vishwanathan Anand and the Body of the Great Kali. This is how the conversation might go.

Voldy: Hey Muggle. I’m gonna take my army of 12 and a half Death Eaters, fly around on broomsticks and kill each one of you one by one with the killing curse.

Muggle leader: Really? Well I’m gonna gather some of my rather inferior and unmagical muggle stuff and nuke your fucking ass. Then I’m gonna send the MIGs up to finish off the few that managed to dangle around in the air.

Seriously, I’m supposed to believe that this great war is taking place in modern England and no one has had the brains to try pulling out a bazooka?

I’m guessing some pimply thirteen year old is reading this going “Oh, but Harry’s got his invisibility cloak which he’s been wearing on every third fucking page of every fucking book.” Well let me give you the lowdown sonny boy. If I’m in a duel with Harry Potter and I take an AK 47 and randomly fire a few rounds in the area around me, it ain’t gonna matter that I can’t see the little bastard. The son of a bitch is still gonna be seeing the white light..... and no, I’m not talking about the patronus charm.

Another thing I found rather primitive about the wizards in Rowling’s series, is the complicated ways in which they communicate with each other. I mean these supposed ‘magical folk’ are sending messages by owls for heaven’s sake, and that’s only when they’re not subjecting themselves to charring their faces on fires. I know it’s a fantasy book and that I’m not supposed to question the practicality of it all, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why, in a world which has London Station, fancy cars and even West Ham Utd., no one ever whips out a Nokia N-series to text someone: “Hey Voldy’s lurking around……and his snake’s looking a bit frisky.”

I guess the underlying message is that we have progressed so far, through technological development, that the word magic has barely any meaning anymore. I am not sure whether this makes me proud or depresses the shit out of me. I guess I’ll try and figure that one out while I’m playing with (I mean the clean kind, perves) my Hermione Granger action figure.

Final verdict on Wizards vs Muggles

Progress in medicine: Wizards – Regrowing bones overnight.
Muggles – Breast Implants.

I think you get the picture.

'Lead India'- Just DO(OM) it!

Wohooa! Trash of Islamabad (TOI) has just launched an initiative to discover political leaders for India. It's called ‘Lead India’.

Take a stock of initial few lines of the full-page ad that TOI has been running each day, ever since the initiative has been unveiled.

“D. O.
Two simple letters

Place them side by side however and they form a word potent enough to turn a mass of people into a nation.”

'Lead India' has been given a catchy slogan- ‘DO’. It’s pronounced as 'doo' of Doonesbury and not 'DEE-O' of Deodrant. Thought of clarifying this as reading only the initial few lines of the full-page ad. might tempt us to easily misinterpret it.

Interestingly, they have roped in Kink Khan of Bollywood aka Shahrukh Khan to unveil this initiative. They have shot a video too, in which Shahrukh “Kink” Khan exhorts the Indian youth to be a part of ‘Lead India’.

These are the lines (in italics) which Shahrukh recites in the video and my reactions to them:

The last time we decided to Do or Die
It changed the map of the world. Today the eyes of the world are on us again.

Did we also decide to ‘do or die’ before we lost a part of Kashmir to our enemies?

So what are we going to do?How are we going to turn from a land of philosophers to land of do-ers?
Are we going to keep thinking about what we should be doing or do something about what we’re thinking?

Oh!I thought we are a country of snake-charmers and not a land of Philosophers. May be, I was mistaken!

Are we going to simply shrug our shoulders, blame our infrastructure, our bureaucracy and our Political system?

No, I won’t! I won’t simply shrug my shoulders; blame our infrastructure, our bureaucracy and our Political system. I will blame the Media!

Or are we going to roll up our sleeves get up and actually do something about it?

I was moved by the lines.I got up and almost changed the channel.

The truth is this
Thinking can happen from an armchair
But doing must happen on you feet
Thinking maybe a great way of getting things started. But doing is the only way to get things done.
And let’s face it. You’re never really caught in a traffic jam. You are the traffic jam

I recline back to my chair and wonder which Jam was Shahrukh referring to?

Today we are in our 60^th year of Independence. That works out to be more than half a century.
And we’re still happy being called a potential superpower, an emerging economy or a sleeping tiger?
This must change
And it’s possible only if some of us seize the day and dare to be the change.
So let’s stop basking in our glorious past or daydreaming about great future. Let’s start by dominating today.
And domination starts with DO

This was the final nail…I was inspired. I got up, snatched the remote from my mom’s hands and changed the channel…It was time for DO(OM)mination!

Now coming to analyzing the article that Shahrukh has written on the issue of Leadership.:

(Headline)
‘I believe in this campaign 100%’

Hear people hear, Shahrukh endorses this campaign because he believes in this campaign. The fact that he’s the torchbearer of the initiative is just a fortuitous co-incidence!

What makes a leader ? I’d say, really good acting skills.

Bang on! But Shahrukh could have been more specific. He should have said: "really good acting skills in negative roles". After all, isn’t our Political Leadership endowed with a good number of rogues & criminals?

The most effective way to lead is not to show that you are doing it.

True! Case in point: Sonia Gandhi

People hate being told what to do, and what not to do. No one likes to be led by the nose. You must not make them feel you are the boss, guide, whatever. You just have to carry people along with compassion, love, and not least of all, a sense of humour.In fact, not only should others not feel the burden of your leadership, the leader himself should lead without realising it, without donning the grand mantle of setting some maha example. Achievement is the destination, leadership is showing the way to it.Secondly, I’ve seen that every true leader treats people well. That’s crucial. You can get away by treating some people badly some of the time, but you cannot make a practice of it. I’d say the best leadership is like parenting. You don’t have to instill awe; you should create loving respect.

The Leadership fundas doled out by Shahrukh will even put Warren Bennis to shame. Bennis would realise the futility of so much work that he's put into researching the subject of Leadership.

Thirdly, you have to have focus. But it is important that the leader’s focus does not become heavy, aggressive, pressuring, troubling, aggravating for others. You should do the planning and what you have to do, and then leave everyone to get on with his or her part of it. It’s most important to believe in everyone else as much as you do in yourself. It’s your team. You’ve chosen it. The people on it should be good, right?

Focus:It should be intense enough, and yet not intense enough, is what Shahrukh is trying to say. Understand the profound depth of his statement, folks!

I know that the film industry gets a great deal of flak for not putting itself in a leadership role. On the contrary, it is accused of sending the wrong signals, as happened in recent cases. We are constantly told ‘you guys should be doing so much more considering the extraordinary, even absurd, influence you wield’. But, when people say ‘industry’, it should encompass all media: not just films, but newspapers, magazines, TV, radio, the works.

"Film industry is accused of sending wrong signals". But whether Shahrukh agrees to this accusation or not is something that he is completely equivocal about.

Everyone in this multifaceted industry must work together on providing the right leadership. But everyone functions as an independent segment, does whatever it wants to. Besides, at the end of the day, we are just doing a job. We are an industry like any other. We are all in a commercial state of mind. We don’t take all this importance upon ourselves.

Well said Shahrukh. You finally seem to have realized that Bollywood has to also take up non-commercial initiatives and do more than just make films. But it seems we''ll have to wait for some more time for such an initiative, a non-commercial one, that is.

I understand that, yes, I should be taking up real-time roles, but I’m an actor. I know what to do when I’m acting. However, I need to be told how to play the roles which set an example, or use my position for the larger good. I am truly glad and proud that the Times group asked me to do this film to kick
off their Leadership campaign.

Since Shahrukh was explicitly told how to play 'roles which set an example', by his own definition-as stated in the earlier lines of this column-Times of India is a bad leader, or rather is not a good leader. So is this initiative in the wrong hands?

If you think I am a youth icon, use me by all means.

Shahrukh has been kind enough to express his willingness to be part of other sub-initiatives that TOI will be taking in this project, and has also subtly asked TOI to pay him more.

In the Times campaign, my role is to lead people into action. It’s about getting up and doing whatever it takes. I did not think of this as lines in a script. It is 100% my personal belief. I am not a thinker. I’ll read about something, and do it.

In the video, Shahrukh gets up from his couch while delivering his final lines. I think this should inspire the youth to act and DO something.

Even if I know the outcome will not be what it should, I have to physically work it out myself. It’s fantastic if you get it right. But it’s equally all right if you get it wrong. Just do it. That’s what I tell my son and my daughter. There’s always a second time to get it right. I simply don’t believe in not doing anything because you are afraid it won’t work out as planned. For leaders as for followers, there should be no don’t’s; just do it.

Shahrukh seems to be doing surrogate advertising for Nike!

SUPERHERO Series- Commuting woes in Mumbai

Welcome to the wonderful, endearing and sometimes bizarre adventures of Superhero; an incorrigible 12 year old with an unstoppable desire to save the world. Superhero has no special powers, no funky gadgets and has never been bitten by a spider or any other members of the arachnid family. His sole weapon remains his unrelenting persistence to do good and his 'Never say die no matter how many times I am kicked in the face, beaten to a bloody pulp and exasperated by the hopelessness of the system' attitude.

There is much speculation as to how Superhero developed this rather naïve predicament. The widely accepted theory is that his parents told him when he was 6 that "One good deed could change the universe" and then were reduced to wasted potheads by the time he was 9 and had no time to tell him the truth about life i.e. "Trying to change anything feels like banging your head into a wall". Without this vital information Superhero has gone through his life to this day clinging on to the belief that he has the 'Power of one'. Superhero is assisted by his close friend "Sidekick", who though much wiser to the intricacies of life, than Superhero, is in awe of the infectious optimism that emanates from the young protégé. Together they fight crime, barriers to social development and anything else they find worth fighting in their motherland India.

Superhero : Stuck in Traffic

(Superhero has been waiting for an over an hour for his friend Sidekick at Infiniti mall in Andheri and is growing increasingly impatient. He kicks the candy floss machine in frustration and throws a scowl at the ice cream vendor.)

Sidekick: (entering wet and ragged) I’m sorry, sir. I’ve been stuck in traffic for the last one and a half hour.

Superhero: What? But you came here from Bandra. That’s less than 5 kilometers away. Are you saying that your average speed of travel was just 3.33 km/ph

Sidekick: I see you’ve finally studied time speed and distance, Sir. But it is an unfortunate truth that your calculation is indeed accurate.

Superhero: Why, that’s ridiculous Sidekick. This is supposed to be the commercial capital of the country. Surely there are faster ways to get from one place to the other.

Sidekick: Well I could have taken the train sir, but I would have been squashed in a sea of grime, sweat and decaying skin.

Superhero: Shit! I did not realize the state of Mumbai’s transport was in such a deplorable mess. We must do something about this Sidekick.

Sidekick: What can we do sir? This has been the state of the city for eons.

Superhero: Sidekick, I want you to summon the head of M.M.R.D.A., the head of the Western Railway Department and the Head of the BEST to this place immediately and I will call an emergency courtroom.

Sidekick: But Sir, These men are prestigious civil officers and we are just a couple of hyperactive twelve year olds. How do you expect me to just make them appear?

Superhero: For God’s sake Sidekick, this is a fictional series. When will you learn the power of the imagination?

(Superhero snaps his fingers and three dreary figures fall from the ceiling and land in a preposterous heap at the feet of Superhero and Sidekick)

Superhero: Gentlemen, I hereby call this court to attention.

(The three figures slowly lift themselves from the floor, murmuring and dusting the dirt of their jackets)

Superhero: I have called you here today to question the despicable treatment you have been dealing out to the people of Mumbai.

(Sidekick claps enthusiastically till Superhero glares at him menacingly)

Railways: What are you talking about? We have the most efficient local train system. Trains every three minutes and all that faff.

Sidekick: Trains every three minutes. Yet each one is packed to the brim with humans dangling outside like jellyfish in a fisherman’s net.

Railways: I see no harm in encouraging a little male bonding. It fosters patriotism.

Superhero: Then why is it that every time I enter a Mumbai local, all I hear is yelling and screaming.

Railways: Yelling, screaming and even fighting is an ancient Indian tradition by which we show true love for each other. Just look at the wonderful example our members of parliament set for us in this respect.

Superhero: (yelling) Shut the fuck up! I do not follow this crap tradition. (He takes off his shoe and flings it at Mr. Railway.)

Sidekick: Errrr…..You’re kind of proving his point sir.

Superhero: (picks up the candy floss machine and breaks it on Sidekick’s head) Hmmm….perhaps your right. But that surge of violence sure did feel good.

Railways: Mr. Superhero. What you don’t understand is the constant argy-bargy that takes place in our locals has become an integral part of a Mumbaikar’s life. You will notice that even when several compartments of a train are empty, people will look for the really crowded ones and all jam in there so they can enjoy a little bit of pushing, shoving and rubbing. So no matter how many tracks we lay, Mumbai will always have crowded trains as it is the will of the people.

Superhero: It all sounds rather queer to me.

MMRDA: What do trains matter anyway? We have promised to build so many wonderful new roads and flyovers.

Sidekick: (with the candy floss machine around his neck) But that’s exactly the point. Only a few privileged individuals can afford the cars for which these roads are built. What about the rest of the poor public. Shouldn’t the new roads be reserved for buses so that more people can benefit from them?

BEST: We thought about that. But then we realized it’s not in keeping with the new found capitalist motto of our country. The new mantra is “Give everything to the rich, so that more people are inspired to become rich”. So when the junta is standing at the bus stop looking at all the big seths driving their cars on the new roads, they will be inspired to earn money and buy cars. Thus India will prosper and the universe will be a better place for it.

Sidekick: But when more and more people buy cars, you will have to build more and more roads until there will be a point where the flyovers will be so high that people will need oxygen masks to drive on them.

Superhero: Hey, that sounds like fun.

MMRDA: You are right Sidekick. That is why we will not really build any flyovers at all. Nor will we build anything else. Because it’s all futile.

Superhero: But you just said….

BEST: He said that they have promised to build many roads. He never said he would actually build them.

Sidekick: What about a metro system? Or a BRTS? Or a sky bus? All legitimate options to alleviate the dreadful state of our transport system.

Railways: Nah. You guys don’t get the point. Mumbai would be nothing without its’ frustration levels. Therefore we will do nothing. And hope that people will get so frustrated that they will start killing each other off and then our present systems will be adequate for the reduced population.

MMRDA: Either that, or people will all go for stress therapy, attain nirvana and learn how to fly. So people would just fly from one place to the other.

Superhero: What a brilliant solution! I hereby pin a gold medal on the three of you and proclaim you to be saints of the city.

(The three of them accept their coronation and then fly away)

Superhero: Well this has certainly been a productive evening Sidekick.

Sidekick: (bemused) Just one thing, Sir. How are we going to get home?

Superhero: (realizing he has been duped) Dam it. I guess we are going to have to take the bus.

Thus ends Superhero's adventure with Mumbai’s traffic. Stay tune for more exciting adventures of Superhero and Sidekick. Till then remember,"Whenever hope fails you, whenever there is no light visible at the end of the tunnel, when it seems that there is no way out, there you will find your SUPERHERO!!!!"

Happy Independence Day: Are we really free?

Warning: This write-up is pointless, wretched, gross and absolutely detestable. If you puke or contract a convulsion in your stomach after reading this, consider it as a proof you being a perfectly normal human being. Read it at your own risk…

It fills my heart with inordinate pride that today India celebrates its 60^th year of independence. 15^{th of} August 1947 is the glorious, eventful day when India made a transition from being a British colony to an independent nation.

In my humble opinion, today is the day to do ask some tough questions; instead of just indulging in ego-boosting and reveling in our own past glories. Call me a cynic or a pessimistic prick, but looking at the current state of affairs in India, I am severely depressed. I am compelled to ask: Where is the Freedom? Have our politicians done enough to safeguard our Freedom? Are our country and all its masses really free? Have we done enough to ensure “Equal Opportunities for all”?

It’s imperative to analyze these questions in light of various inevitable problems that India is confounded with.

Let me get into specifics. Here’s a startling fact for you: A whole 40% of Indian population still dumps in private-toilets or in Sauchalyas (public toilets). Are India and its freedoms a monopoly of the other 60% that goes on pooping day in day out in open with monopolistic freedom? What have the politicians done to encourage the rest of India-40%- to start defecating in open, on roads, on railway tracks, on railway platforms? Where are the opportunities for them?

It’s time we take this issue seriously. Put yourself into the shoes of an average commuter belonging to the 40% I referred to, traveling in Mumbai local at 8 am, who’s unmistakably forced to countenance the site of a few ‘privileged’ men squatting like toads releasing another piece of stool, on an adjoining track; and you would understand how deprived these 40% of population I am referring to actually is. Ditto is the case with passengers commuting through buses, with the site of men pooing on the roads/pavements! This, surely, is one area where those who actually miss the bus (or the train) are actually the ones who haven’t missed the bus (or the train), and those who have missed the bus (or the train) are the ones who have actually got onto the bus (or the train), if you understand what I am saying.

Besides, how else are we going to deal with water-scarcity and drainage issues? It’s time to remind ourselves that water is not something that we can generate manually. (don’t tell me that we can while we pee, no we don’t! Peeing is just a case of GIGO- Gold In Garbage Out). The more we depend on water, more we depend on the caprices of nature. Also, with every flush, we expend around 8-10 liters of water, clearly a colossal waste of water. More the water flushed down, more the pressure is on our creaky, inadequate drainage-system that overflows so regularly. The private toilets ought to go if we have to live in a sustainable world.

Why can’t our Government pass a law that illegalizes all the personal toilets, and gives 40% of people a chance to upgrade themselves and join the rest 60% of Indians who defecate in open? They will be more than glad to. If they are not, then the Government can always force them to, by destroying the private toilets and sending the numskulls who violate the government rule, behind the bars, so as to set an example. What can’t be done with peace can be done with force. Just because the 40% doesn’t understand how defecating in open is in their best interests in both the short-run and the long-run, doesn’t mean Government allows them to stay ignorant. Like the shepherd who guides his flock of sheep, it’s time for Government to goad the 40% of Indians to utilize the freedom of dumping in open. Government needs to ensure that there are enough open spaces and more importantly, these open spaces have to be well spread out and not be concentrated in just a few areas. I can speak from experience that much as I want to dump on the railway track, it’s simply not possible for me to hold my crap for half-an-hour- the time that it takes for me to reach the nearest railway track from my house. Besides, Government needs to ensure that a person isn’t unduly worried about whether there is a train running on the track or not. For this, there have to dedicated tracks where no train runs and which are only used as dumping zones.

Another concern is that people using private loos will just start using sauchalyas instead of open spaces. I have a solution to work around this problem. The Sauchalyas’ rates can be increased from Rs 1 to Rs. 1000 in the initial stages, after the Law that “illegalizes private-toilets” is passed, so that people who were using private toilets start using the Sauchalyas, and those who were using Sauchalyas shift to defecating in open. Then after some time, Sauchalya rates can be dropped back to Rs1, and then the people who were still using Sauchalyas will also shift to defecating in open. (Why? Refer to Chivas Regal effect theory).With enough focus and planning, this measure will definitely bridge the inequality-gap of “defecating in open” that exists in India, between the so-called haves and have-nots. Some of you might be tempted to ask: “Why not just simply destroy Sauchalyas?” To that, all I can say is: that’s not going to happen. Politicians are never going to directly admit that constructing Sauchalyas was a mistake on their part, which ought to be undone, and hence let’s try to be realistic.

Lastly, this measure will go a long way towards improving the secular and pluralist fabric of our country. We have seen the movie Krantiveer, wherein Nana Patekar bangs a piece of stone on his own fingers and on those of Muslim character in the movie till he draws blood, asking him to distinguish between Hindu’s blood and Muslim’s blood, and concluding with the line: “If God was no one to discriminate between a Hindu and a Muslim, who was he to?”. Similarly, the more people defecate in open in groups, more they will see the fact that the color of their stool isn’t different (minor differences maybe), and understand why it makes sense not to fight on the basis of caste/religion/language/region, as all of ours’ shit color is the same.

The day when every Indian is out there defecating in open, with hands wrapped around his fellow mates defecating alongside him, till the point he, regrettably, is compelled to wipe his arse with minimal amount of water; will be a day when India will be actually considered free! Till then, Happy Farcical Independence Day folks!

Couch Economics

I disagree with the notion that man is inherently lazy and unmotivated. I am pretty sure that everyone would love to make billions, build buildings, invent stuff and save the world from poverty and hunger. The only thing holding them back is that their couches are way too comfortable. This may seem a ludicrous theory, but if you observe human patterns carefully you will find an alarming amount of legitimacy in it.

Think about the last time you were sitting on your couch and decided on a time that you would get your ass off the couch and do something else. How often have you actually got up at that exact time? How many important appointments have you missed because you could not bear to lift your head of the soft cushion that had been gently massaging it for the last hour? How many times have you dreamed up brilliant ideas and things to do but not executed them but instead taken a snooze on the couch while watching Oprah?

Once this theory is understood, it can be used to define accurate and useful economic corollaries. Here are a few:

1. Couch comfort

The rate of economic growth of a nation is directly proportionate to the average discomfort levels of couches in the metropolitans of that country.

In other words, rather than spending money on installing infrastructure, the main focus of the government should be on putting strict regulations on the manufacturing of couches. This way, they save on cotton that can be exported at profits to Mexico; and also create a workforce that is doing something other than dropping juice on themselves while disintegrating into slobs. It's a bit of a tricky situation though, because you cannot afford to make the couches so uncomfortable that it becomes impossible for citizens to rest on them in times of dire stress and exhaustion. This would create grievous unrest amongst the people which would ultimately affect their productivity thus leading to underutilization of capacity. What we need is to find a carefully defined standard of 'couch comfort' which would be just enough to provide relief to those who have worked enough to truly deserve it but not enough to entice employees to dedicate their lives to finding excuses to spend time with the couch.

2. Couch positioning

The productivity of a household is directly proportionate to the distance of the couch from the television.

A comfortable couch is a dangerous barrier to economic growth in itself. But a comfortable couch placed at a suitable viewing distance from the television is nothing short of a national disaster. In this case, not only is a person in a position so relaxing that it is almost orgasmic, but he also has some external stimuli to help lull his brain into the equivalent of a dry cabbage.

The ideal positioning of a couch would be right in front of a plain white wall. The wall should, preferably, not have any cracks which the 'couchee' might gain amusement out of playing with or imagining as a segment of the river Nile. Care must be taken to keep all markers, pens, pencils etc. out of arm's reach of the couch so as to deter the proliferation of the respected art of wall scribbling.

3. Performance evaluation

The contribution of a citizen to the economic progress of his country is inversely proportionate to the depth of the ass print on his/her couch.

Employees have over time and after reading several Dilbert books, become extremely conniving when it comes to pulling the wool over their employer's eyes as far as their actual productivity is concerned. There are many members of the workforce who have succeeded in appearing to be the embodiment of work ethic and dedication, while secretly living as slothful decadents.

The 'ass print' measure would permanently put an end to the dilemma of evaluating the laziness and productivity of individuals. The deeper the 'ass print', the more likely the person will bunk meetings, call in sick on days when the movie channels are showing specials and snooze through deal signings.

In conclusion, I'd like to prove my point by making you all purr with excitement and longing when I tell you to imagine this: "Couches in the office instead of chairs". Mmmmmm! Let the degeneration begin.