Happy Independence Day: Are we really free?

Warning: This write-up is pointless, wretched, gross and absolutely detestable. If you puke or contract a convulsion in your stomach after reading this, consider it as a proof you being a perfectly normal human being. Read it at your own risk…

It fills my heart with inordinate pride that today India celebrates its 60^th year of independence. 15^{th of} August 1947 is the glorious, eventful day when India made a transition from being a British colony to an independent nation.

In my humble opinion, today is the day to do ask some tough questions; instead of just indulging in ego-boosting and reveling in our own past glories. Call me a cynic or a pessimistic prick, but looking at the current state of affairs in India, I am severely depressed. I am compelled to ask: Where is the Freedom? Have our politicians done enough to safeguard our Freedom? Are our country and all its masses really free? Have we done enough to ensure “Equal Opportunities for all”?

It’s imperative to analyze these questions in light of various inevitable problems that India is confounded with.

Let me get into specifics. Here’s a startling fact for you: A whole 40% of Indian population still dumps in private-toilets or in Sauchalyas (public toilets). Are India and its freedoms a monopoly of the other 60% that goes on pooping day in day out in open with monopolistic freedom? What have the politicians done to encourage the rest of India-40%- to start defecating in open, on roads, on railway tracks, on railway platforms? Where are the opportunities for them?

It’s time we take this issue seriously. Put yourself into the shoes of an average commuter belonging to the 40% I referred to, traveling in Mumbai local at 8 am, who’s unmistakably forced to countenance the site of a few ‘privileged’ men squatting like toads releasing another piece of stool, on an adjoining track; and you would understand how deprived these 40% of population I am referring to actually is. Ditto is the case with passengers commuting through buses, with the site of men pooing on the roads/pavements! This, surely, is one area where those who actually miss the bus (or the train) are actually the ones who haven’t missed the bus (or the train), and those who have missed the bus (or the train) are the ones who have actually got onto the bus (or the train), if you understand what I am saying.

Besides, how else are we going to deal with water-scarcity and drainage issues? It’s time to remind ourselves that water is not something that we can generate manually. (don’t tell me that we can while we pee, no we don’t! Peeing is just a case of GIGO- Gold In Garbage Out). The more we depend on water, more we depend on the caprices of nature. Also, with every flush, we expend around 8-10 liters of water, clearly a colossal waste of water. More the water flushed down, more the pressure is on our creaky, inadequate drainage-system that overflows so regularly. The private toilets ought to go if we have to live in a sustainable world.

Why can’t our Government pass a law that illegalizes all the personal toilets, and gives 40% of people a chance to upgrade themselves and join the rest 60% of Indians who defecate in open? They will be more than glad to. If they are not, then the Government can always force them to, by destroying the private toilets and sending the numskulls who violate the government rule, behind the bars, so as to set an example. What can’t be done with peace can be done with force. Just because the 40% doesn’t understand how defecating in open is in their best interests in both the short-run and the long-run, doesn’t mean Government allows them to stay ignorant. Like the shepherd who guides his flock of sheep, it’s time for Government to goad the 40% of Indians to utilize the freedom of dumping in open. Government needs to ensure that there are enough open spaces and more importantly, these open spaces have to be well spread out and not be concentrated in just a few areas. I can speak from experience that much as I want to dump on the railway track, it’s simply not possible for me to hold my crap for half-an-hour- the time that it takes for me to reach the nearest railway track from my house. Besides, Government needs to ensure that a person isn’t unduly worried about whether there is a train running on the track or not. For this, there have to dedicated tracks where no train runs and which are only used as dumping zones.

Another concern is that people using private loos will just start using sauchalyas instead of open spaces. I have a solution to work around this problem. The Sauchalyas’ rates can be increased from Rs 1 to Rs. 1000 in the initial stages, after the Law that “illegalizes private-toilets” is passed, so that people who were using private toilets start using the Sauchalyas, and those who were using Sauchalyas shift to defecating in open. Then after some time, Sauchalya rates can be dropped back to Rs1, and then the people who were still using Sauchalyas will also shift to defecating in open. (Why? Refer to Chivas Regal effect theory).With enough focus and planning, this measure will definitely bridge the inequality-gap of “defecating in open” that exists in India, between the so-called haves and have-nots. Some of you might be tempted to ask: “Why not just simply destroy Sauchalyas?” To that, all I can say is: that’s not going to happen. Politicians are never going to directly admit that constructing Sauchalyas was a mistake on their part, which ought to be undone, and hence let’s try to be realistic.

Lastly, this measure will go a long way towards improving the secular and pluralist fabric of our country. We have seen the movie Krantiveer, wherein Nana Patekar bangs a piece of stone on his own fingers and on those of Muslim character in the movie till he draws blood, asking him to distinguish between Hindu’s blood and Muslim’s blood, and concluding with the line: “If God was no one to discriminate between a Hindu and a Muslim, who was he to?”. Similarly, the more people defecate in open in groups, more they will see the fact that the color of their stool isn’t different (minor differences maybe), and understand why it makes sense not to fight on the basis of caste/religion/language/region, as all of ours’ shit color is the same.

The day when every Indian is out there defecating in open, with hands wrapped around his fellow mates defecating alongside him, till the point he, regrettably, is compelled to wipe his arse with minimal amount of water; will be a day when India will be actually considered free! Till then, Happy Farcical Independence Day folks!