SUPERHERO Series- Commuting woes in Mumbai

Welcome to the wonderful, endearing and sometimes bizarre adventures of Superhero; an incorrigible 12 year old with an unstoppable desire to save the world. Superhero has no special powers, no funky gadgets and has never been bitten by a spider or any other members of the arachnid family. His sole weapon remains his unrelenting persistence to do good and his 'Never say die no matter how many times I am kicked in the face, beaten to a bloody pulp and exasperated by the hopelessness of the system' attitude.

There is much speculation as to how Superhero developed this rather naïve predicament. The widely accepted theory is that his parents told him when he was 6 that "One good deed could change the universe" and then were reduced to wasted potheads by the time he was 9 and had no time to tell him the truth about life i.e. "Trying to change anything feels like banging your head into a wall". Without this vital information Superhero has gone through his life to this day clinging on to the belief that he has the 'Power of one'. Superhero is assisted by his close friend "Sidekick", who though much wiser to the intricacies of life, than Superhero, is in awe of the infectious optimism that emanates from the young protégé. Together they fight crime, barriers to social development and anything else they find worth fighting in their motherland India.

Superhero : Stuck in Traffic

(Superhero has been waiting for an over an hour for his friend Sidekick at Infiniti mall in Andheri and is growing increasingly impatient. He kicks the candy floss machine in frustration and throws a scowl at the ice cream vendor.)

Sidekick: (entering wet and ragged) I’m sorry, sir. I’ve been stuck in traffic for the last one and a half hour.

Superhero: What? But you came here from Bandra. That’s less than 5 kilometers away. Are you saying that your average speed of travel was just 3.33 km/ph

Sidekick: I see you’ve finally studied time speed and distance, Sir. But it is an unfortunate truth that your calculation is indeed accurate.

Superhero: Why, that’s ridiculous Sidekick. This is supposed to be the commercial capital of the country. Surely there are faster ways to get from one place to the other.

Sidekick: Well I could have taken the train sir, but I would have been squashed in a sea of grime, sweat and decaying skin.

Superhero: Shit! I did not realize the state of Mumbai’s transport was in such a deplorable mess. We must do something about this Sidekick.

Sidekick: What can we do sir? This has been the state of the city for eons.

Superhero: Sidekick, I want you to summon the head of M.M.R.D.A., the head of the Western Railway Department and the Head of the BEST to this place immediately and I will call an emergency courtroom.

Sidekick: But Sir, These men are prestigious civil officers and we are just a couple of hyperactive twelve year olds. How do you expect me to just make them appear?

Superhero: For God’s sake Sidekick, this is a fictional series. When will you learn the power of the imagination?

(Superhero snaps his fingers and three dreary figures fall from the ceiling and land in a preposterous heap at the feet of Superhero and Sidekick)

Superhero: Gentlemen, I hereby call this court to attention.

(The three figures slowly lift themselves from the floor, murmuring and dusting the dirt of their jackets)

Superhero: I have called you here today to question the despicable treatment you have been dealing out to the people of Mumbai.

(Sidekick claps enthusiastically till Superhero glares at him menacingly)

Railways: What are you talking about? We have the most efficient local train system. Trains every three minutes and all that faff.

Sidekick: Trains every three minutes. Yet each one is packed to the brim with humans dangling outside like jellyfish in a fisherman’s net.

Railways: I see no harm in encouraging a little male bonding. It fosters patriotism.

Superhero: Then why is it that every time I enter a Mumbai local, all I hear is yelling and screaming.

Railways: Yelling, screaming and even fighting is an ancient Indian tradition by which we show true love for each other. Just look at the wonderful example our members of parliament set for us in this respect.

Superhero: (yelling) Shut the fuck up! I do not follow this crap tradition. (He takes off his shoe and flings it at Mr. Railway.)

Sidekick: Errrr…..You’re kind of proving his point sir.

Superhero: (picks up the candy floss machine and breaks it on Sidekick’s head) Hmmm….perhaps your right. But that surge of violence sure did feel good.

Railways: Mr. Superhero. What you don’t understand is the constant argy-bargy that takes place in our locals has become an integral part of a Mumbaikar’s life. You will notice that even when several compartments of a train are empty, people will look for the really crowded ones and all jam in there so they can enjoy a little bit of pushing, shoving and rubbing. So no matter how many tracks we lay, Mumbai will always have crowded trains as it is the will of the people.

Superhero: It all sounds rather queer to me.

MMRDA: What do trains matter anyway? We have promised to build so many wonderful new roads and flyovers.

Sidekick: (with the candy floss machine around his neck) But that’s exactly the point. Only a few privileged individuals can afford the cars for which these roads are built. What about the rest of the poor public. Shouldn’t the new roads be reserved for buses so that more people can benefit from them?

BEST: We thought about that. But then we realized it’s not in keeping with the new found capitalist motto of our country. The new mantra is “Give everything to the rich, so that more people are inspired to become rich”. So when the junta is standing at the bus stop looking at all the big seths driving their cars on the new roads, they will be inspired to earn money and buy cars. Thus India will prosper and the universe will be a better place for it.

Sidekick: But when more and more people buy cars, you will have to build more and more roads until there will be a point where the flyovers will be so high that people will need oxygen masks to drive on them.

Superhero: Hey, that sounds like fun.

MMRDA: You are right Sidekick. That is why we will not really build any flyovers at all. Nor will we build anything else. Because it’s all futile.

Superhero: But you just said….

BEST: He said that they have promised to build many roads. He never said he would actually build them.

Sidekick: What about a metro system? Or a BRTS? Or a sky bus? All legitimate options to alleviate the dreadful state of our transport system.

Railways: Nah. You guys don’t get the point. Mumbai would be nothing without its’ frustration levels. Therefore we will do nothing. And hope that people will get so frustrated that they will start killing each other off and then our present systems will be adequate for the reduced population.

MMRDA: Either that, or people will all go for stress therapy, attain nirvana and learn how to fly. So people would just fly from one place to the other.

Superhero: What a brilliant solution! I hereby pin a gold medal on the three of you and proclaim you to be saints of the city.

(The three of them accept their coronation and then fly away)

Superhero: Well this has certainly been a productive evening Sidekick.

Sidekick: (bemused) Just one thing, Sir. How are we going to get home?

Superhero: (realizing he has been duped) Dam it. I guess we are going to have to take the bus.

Thus ends Superhero's adventure with Mumbai’s traffic. Stay tune for more exciting adventures of Superhero and Sidekick. Till then remember,"Whenever hope fails you, whenever there is no light visible at the end of the tunnel, when it seems that there is no way out, there you will find your SUPERHERO!!!!"