Casting Couch

They say that a woman has to work half as hard to get twice the credit which man gets. Nothing affirms the truth of this maxim more than the gut wrenching experience I have had to go through.

It’s almost like all the hard work I put in not working hard got recognized for what it was. It’s almost like all the hard work I put in, by working hard didn’t get recognized. Read ahead.

My journey commenced when I was about 8 years old. I was privileged enough to have loving parents, parents who cared for me, parents who loved me from the bottom of their hearts, loved my hearts’ bottom and loved my bottom too.

It was actually when I was 12 years old that my epithelial duct was first fingered by my father. And it’s this which provided the initial nudge that one needs for a successful Bollywood career. Needless to say, this fingering and thumbing became quite commonplace after the age of 12. I also found some major changes in the functioning of my body, thanks to my father’s relentless rubbing, pecking and stroking of my body. Sure, there were times when my negligent father would ignore his duty of father and stay away for as long as a month with some other daughter of his, but while doing this, he always ensured that he had his friends to substitute for him and never allowed me to suffer the pangs of loneliness and neglect that many other children have to go through.

The seeds were sown. The ground work’s done. The foundation was ‘laid’. This is what I exactly needed for a bright, yet demanding career in Bollywood.

After this, it was smooth sailing. I migrated to Mumbai- the city of dreams at the age of 19. All those movies I had watched, all that rigorous training I had received from my father would give me the edge, which I needed. Yes, the edge to compete against thousands of stary-eyed-girls looking for a break in Bollywood, and to get ahead of em. From initially working in massage parlors, to working as model in condom ads, then to working in C-grade Bhojpuri movies, my march towards being in Bollywood was slow but sure.

I had turned 21 and bravo, I got an audition call from a popular movie director- a certain Madhur Bunglekar.Nervous was I initially in my meet- who wouldn’t be? This could have either made or broke my career. I was at the highest level, almost…just one step away from doing what only the rarest of rare and only the luckiest of lucky have achieved: A career break in Bollywood.

Interview went all good; I read the script, gave the audition, mouthed a few lines and was, much to my astonishment, offered the role of heroine in that film. Buoy, was I surprised!

Astonishing! Tragic! The director never even offered to sleep with me, and offered me a role without even alluding to the 3 letter word. In fact- don't know why- he rejected my offer to get laid with him. That’s how all my hard work came to naught. Bastard! I’ll sue that director for quashing my dreams of ‘performing at the highest level’. This certainly wasn’t the 'Bollywood career' I was dreaming for. Whatever suddenly happened to the practice of ‘casting couch’?

- As written by a 'soon to be Bollywood star'.

Reality TV shows and controversies

The reality TV show on BeSahara channel -‘Loser Harega Big”- seems to have run into trouble with 3 voted-out-contestants accusing a surviving contestant of cheating.

The show went on air for the first time on 6^th October. It was an instant hit with the masses, particularly with housewives of the age group 20-70, children of the age group 5-20, men in the age group of 10-70 constituting the largest chunk of the audience.

The innovative concept of getting together all those talented singers, dancers, roadies, etc, who had been knocked off from various other reality TV shows due to judgmental errors of the audience on one platform, had never been explored before.

The show had the participants washing their own underwear and wearing new socks every week in front of the audience, after which they would appeal to the audience to vote for them, on the basis of dirt removed from the underwear and smell exhumed from the socks after the participants had worn them.

The former(dirt generated) was something which the audience had to gauge all by themselves by watching the activity on TV, but for the smell that the socks exhumed, they were advised to take clue from the opinion of judges seated in the studio- all of whom who have fortunately survived- who assigned every participant marks out of 10 depending on how many minutes did they (the judges) slip into unconsciousness after smelling the socks of the various participants.

The concept couldn’t have gotten any more challenging. Participants literally had to be ‘on their toes’ for a whole week so as to ensure that their feet remain as filthy and dingy as possible. The freedom given to participants truly brought out the best in them. Some of them smashed crabs with their legs, some stepped onto human-feces, some crunched eggs with their legs and what not! Phew!

To ensure their underwears remain smelly and fetid, the participants went for a jog everyday 2 to 5 times, with some of them, for the rest of the time, continually jumping up and down, till they exhausted all the salt in their bodies. Rules were strict here though, due to sensitive nature of the portion which the underwears guard, and hence no external substances were allowed to to be sprayed or applied on the underwear.

The trouble has resulted due to 3 of the female participants who were voted out accusing one of the other female participants who still survives, of stealing their underwears. They said that it was only after they were done with washing could they make out that the underwear they had washed was not theirs. It was not possible before, as almost everyone’s underwear looked dingy and murky, and only after they were washed could the subtle differences in design and color be spotted.

The female participant who has been accused flatly denied the allegations. She said that she had slogged her a*se off to make it to this show. First, she started her career as a TV actor. She was fired due to her pathetic performance in guest appearance. Then, she participated in one of singing reality shows where her voice actually drew comparisons with that of a donkey’s shriek. Then, she participated in the dancing competition where she was knocked off in the last round after her excess-body-fat was laid bare due to a wardrobe malfunction. And now she’s here, the favorite to win the contest, and the allegations could have not come at a worse time for her. She made a strong statement that ‘she has only washed her own underwears and not of anyone else’, and that she will continue doing so, with due reverence to all the 'dhobis' of course.

However, negotiations are on for now and the matter is being investigated. Till the show-directors manage to unearth the truth, a ‘wild card entries’ episode has been announced where 2/3 of the voted-out-females-who-have-made-allegations will be voted back by the audience.

It will be interesting to see what follows. People are requested not to miss out on the episode and vote! Vote for the candidate who reminds you most of your unkempt, unhygienic, dirty and disgusting self. Remember, your vote can make or break someone’s career!