Friday, February 1, 2008

Pomposity and the great game of the Land...Amitabh Bacchan.

Recently, Amitabh Bacchan bought a piece of land in Daulatpur- U.P where he'll be building a girls-school and christened it ‘Aishwarya Girls school'.


The school- as it was originally supposed to be- was not named after Harivanshray Bacchan, but named after Aish. This was surprising. Surprising considering that Amar Singh would have been the next most obvious choice after Harivanshrai Bacchan. But then again, he was present at the inauguration ceremony alongwith a few other seasoned politicians, thereby quashing all the doubts about this inauguration ceremony had a tinge of Politics to it. There wasn’t a mere tinge, but a whole ring of Politics to this name game.

Naming of public places or other such places of importance has always been an interesting issue. In India, it’s gotta do a lot with culture. Traditionally, public places, places of importance, are always named after someone who’s passed away. It’s been a sort of a pre-condition: You won’t have any public place named after you, till you are dead. This is because, for some reason, Indian tradition holds it inauspicious to name a public place after a living person. But this’s no longer the case.

Other than that condition, of you necessarily having to be dead to have a public place named after you, which admittedly is rather tough ask, the whole naming business was remarkably easy. Like… all you had to was become a PM without an adequate mandate, undermine the country’s defence, ruin the backbone of the economy, botch up a war, and you’d have it made. You’d have a whole slew of schools, colleges, public projects, institutions, roads and corridors of power named after you, thereby assuring you a significant place in public memory and inscribing your name in the annals of History.

But that’s past. Doing anything of that order is tremendously difficult in these times. Whatever you do, the economy grows at 8%. You make the most abominable piece of pabulum as TV serial and that too goes on to shatter the TRP records. Times are indeed tough for anyone to actually have a place of public importance named after himself or his kith and kin.

Which is precisely why, you know, you gotta give it to Amitabh. He did it. This is how Amitabh would’ve advice us about how he managed to do it: Ask Amar Singh to illegally to allot you a piece of agricultural land in Barabanki in UP. Eye a piece of agricultural land in Pune which is only available to a farmer. Show the land in UP as a proof that you are a farmer. Let the court decide if your owning the land in UP as farmer was legal. Thereafter let the court cancel the allotment suggesting you are a trickster. Then, buy another piece of land in Daulatpur- UP to build a school. Then contend that your sole intention behind buying the agricultural land in Barabanki- which unfortunately was taken away by court- was to build a girls’ school, which now you are compelled to build in Daulutpur. And name that after your glorious, exalted daughter-in-law, in case you too think your son is a sucker.

Thus, demonstrating that he and Aishwarya both are pompous, puffed-up, conniving twats who think the collective IQ of Indians is that of the symbol of Samajwadi party- the bicycle. Which is why, y’e know, you gotta give it to him and Aishwarya. They did it. Seriously folks, if there’s any one who deserves to have his/her name etched on a school after Harshad Mehta, Ketan Parekh, Bhujhbal, Pawar, Vilasrao, Telgi, Bharat Shah, Qutarocchi, Charles Shobhraj, Pramod Mahajan etc, it’s gotta be Amar Singh…no wait…Aishwarya Mulayam Singh. No!…. Aishwarya Amar Singh, no one sec…Aishwarya Abhishek Bacchan…Wait-a-minute…Yea, sure. Got a bit confused actually, just took Amar Singh’s statement that "Aishwarya is our (UP’s) bahuu" a bit too literally.

Amitabh and Aisharwaya aren’t the only ones though, wallowing in such a grandiloquent display of pomp and self-inflation. Mayawati has ordered to build her statues alongside Babasaheb Ambedkar and Kanshi Ram. The statue-building exercise is being conducted on a war-footing. The narcissist-ic steak of etching your name on public places is to be witnessed in a few other cases as well. Roads in UP have been named after Raj Babbar and his wife. Akhilesh Das, the ex-mayor named an entire locality as ‘Akhilesh Das Nagar’.

Looking at the affairs in UP, I gotta admit that not only can you be alive while etching your name on places of importance; you can be thoroughly worthy of doing the same. Perhaps as worthy as the great personality whose family had a blooming great relationship with the Bacchans at one time?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Casting Couch

They say that a woman has to work half as hard to get twice the credit which man gets. Nothing affirms the truth of this maxim more than the gut wrenching experience I have had to go through.

It’s almost like all the hard work I put in not working hard got recognized for what it was. It’s almost like all the hard work I put in, by working hard didn’t get recognized. Read ahead.

My journey commenced when I was about 8 years old. I was privileged enough to have loving parents, parents who cared for me, parents who loved me from the bottom of their hearts, loved my hearts’ bottom and loved my bottom too.

It was actually when I was 12 years old that my epithelial duct was first fingered by my father. And it’s this which provided the initial nudge that one needs for a successful Bollywood career. Needless to say, this fingering and thumbing became quite commonplace after the age of 12. I also found some major changes in the functioning of my body, thanks to my father’s relentless rubbing, pecking and stroking of my body. Sure, there were times when my negligent father would ignore his duty of father and stay away for as long as a month with some other daughter of his, but while doing this, he always ensured that he had his friends to substitute for him and never allowed me to suffer the pangs of loneliness and neglect that many other children have to go through.

The seeds were sown. The ground work’s done. The foundation was ‘laid’. This is what I exactly needed for a bright, yet demanding career in Bollywood.

After this, it was smooth sailing. I migrated to Mumbai- the city of dreams at the age of 19. All those movies I had watched, all that rigorous training I had received from my father would give me the edge, which I needed. Yes, the edge to compete against thousands of stary-eyed-girls looking for a break in Bollywood, and to get ahead of em. From initially working in massage parlors, to working as model in condom ads, then to working in C-grade Bhojpuri movies, my march towards being in Bollywood was slow but sure.

I had turned 21 and bravo, I got an audition call from a popular movie director- a certain Madhur Bunglekar.Nervous was I initially in my meet- who wouldn’t be? This could have either made or broke my career. I was at the highest level, almost…just one step away from doing what only the rarest of rare and only the luckiest of lucky have achieved: A career break in Bollywood.

Interview went all good; I read the script, gave the audition, mouthed a few lines and was, much to my astonishment, offered the role of heroine in that film. Buoy, was I surprised!

Astonishing! Tragic! The director never even offered to sleep with me, and offered me a role without even alluding to the 3 letter word. In fact- don't know why- he rejected my offer to get laid with him. That’s how all my hard work came to naught. Bastard! I’ll sue that director for quashing my dreams of ‘performing at the highest level’. This certainly wasn’t the 'Bollywood career' I was dreaming for. Whatever suddenly happened to the practice of ‘casting couch’?

- As written by a 'soon to be Bollywood star'.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Reality TV shows and controversies

The reality TV show on BeSahara channel -‘Loser Harega Big”- seems to have run into trouble with 3 voted-out-contestants accusing a surviving contestant of cheating.

The show went on air for the first time on 6th October. It was an instant hit with the masses, particularly with housewives of the age group 20-70, children of the age group 5-20, men in the age group of 10-70 constituting the largest chunk of the audience.

The innovative concept of getting together all those talented singers, dancers, roadies, etc, who had been knocked off from various other reality TV shows due to judgmental errors of the audience on one platform, had never been explored before.

The show had the participants washing their own underwear and wearing new socks every week in front of the audience, after which they would appeal to the audience to vote for them, on the basis of dirt removed from the underwear and smell exhumed from the socks after the participants had worn them.

The former(dirt generated) was something which the audience had to gauge all by themselves by watching the activity on TV, but for the smell that the socks exhumed, they were advised to take clue from the opinion of judges seated in the studio- all of whom who have fortunately survived- who assigned every participant marks out of 10 depending on how many minutes did they (the judges) slip into unconsciousness after smelling the socks of the various participants.

The concept couldn’t have gotten any more challenging. Participants literally had to be ‘on their toes’ for a whole week so as to ensure that their feet remain as filthy and dingy as possible. The freedom given to participants truly brought out the best in them. Some of them smashed crabs with their legs, some stepped onto human-feces, some crunched eggs with their legs and what not! Phew!

To ensure their underwears remain smelly and fetid, the participants went for a jog everyday 2 to 5 times, with some of them, for the rest of the time, continually jumping up and down, till they exhausted all the salt in their bodies. Rules were strict here though, due to sensitive nature of the portion which the underwears guard, and hence no external substances were allowed to to be sprayed or applied on the underwear.

The trouble has resulted due to 3 of the female participants who were voted out accusing one of the other female participants who still survives, of stealing their underwears. They said that it was only after they were done with washing could they make out that the underwear they had washed was not theirs. It was not possible before, as almost everyone’s underwear looked dingy and murky, and only after they were washed could the subtle differences in design and color be spotted.

The female participant who has been accused flatly denied the allegations. She said that she had slogged her a*se off to make it to this show. First, she started her career as a TV actor. She was fired due to her pathetic performance in guest appearance. Then, she participated in one of singing reality shows where her voice actually drew comparisons with that of a donkey’s shriek. Then, she participated in the dancing competition where she was knocked off in the last round after her excess-body-fat was laid bare due to a wardrobe malfunction. And now she’s here, the favorite to win the contest, and the allegations could have not come at a worse time for her. She made a strong statement that ‘she has only washed her own underwears and not of anyone else’, and that she will continue doing so, with due reverence to all the 'dhobis' of course.

However, negotiations are on for now and the matter is being investigated. Till the show-directors manage to unearth the truth, a ‘wild card entries’ episode has been announced where 2/3 of the voted-out-females-who-have-made-allegations will be voted back by the audience.

It will be interesting to see what follows. People are requested not to miss out on the episode and vote! Vote for the candidate who reminds you most of your unkempt, unhygienic, dirty and disgusting self. Remember, your vote can make or break someone’s career!

Friday, September 28, 2007

'Dynasty-ism', 'Nepotism' and 'Sycophancy' in Congress

The recent appointment of utterly useless Rahul Gandhi as Congress General Secretary, NSUI General Secretary and Youth Congress General Secretary once again re-affirms the point that Con-gress is a nepotistic, dynastic party where the only ones who call the shots are Nehru-Gandhi descendants, and having Nehru-Gandhi in your name automatically guarantees you ascension to top-level positions in the party.

What exactly has Rahul Gandhi done to merit this position? Was he chosen on the basis of the performance he displayed by reducing the Congress vote share in UP? Or was he chosen on the basis of the quality of Colombian bimbo he has been able to hook up with? Or was he selected for his innocent, cherubic face which can charm the ignorant, illiterate masses to the extent Laloo’s rustic, boorish and buffoonish ways do? Or was he chosen because he is a son of an absolutely incompetent and inarticulate Italian bitch who currently heads the Congress party? Or was he chosen because he’s the grandson of a certain Indira Gandhi who was moronic enough to release captured 93,000 captured Pakistanis, in return for Pakistan’s signing of Simla Agreement which it has flagrantly violated? Or was he chosen because he’s the great-grandson of utterly incompetent Jawarlal Nehru-who become the PM at the behest of nepotistic Gandhi’s overruling the decision of 15 state Congress units which had actually chosen Sardar Patel for the post of PM- and went on to unleash one disaster after another on our country, during his rein?

Whatever be the proclaimed reason, the truth of the matter is that Congress is a party wherein for a member nothing is a greater sign of capability than being born in the parivar. How else can you explain Rahul Gandhi pompously and shamelessly declaring in 2004 that “I could have become the PM of India at the age of 25”? The parivar has treated the party as their 'jagir' and the country as their fiefdom. Nehru, Indira, Sanjay, Rajiv, Sonia, Rahul, it's sickening.

Anyone who rebels against the dynasty is reduced to being a non-entity or is shunted out of the party. What happened to Pawar and Sangma? How else was Antonia Maino elected as the party president over above Sitaram Kesri, a more experienced and a more-deserving candidate?

The Congress party is rotten with Gandhi-Nehru bootlickers, third-grade guttersnipes, abominable sycophants who have not a smidgen of pride and self-respect, who miss no opportunity in displaying their loyalty to the great parivar. A look at the current cabinet ministers tells us that even if you have failed to win elections, even if you have questionable credentials; you can still be a minister provided you have had a consistent track record of wagging you tail before the parivar members.

Home Minister Shivraj Patil:

The bastard is alleged to have links with Naxalities. He had lost the Lok Sabha election from Latur, and still finds himself as the Home Minister simply because he has been a loyal soldier of the parivar.

Defence Minister Pranab Mukherjee:

This man, in spite of no record of contesting elections till 04, finds himself in charge of important Defence Portfolio. To be noted that he won his only election from Jangipur seat in WB, which is a Congress stronghold, where a Congressman is assured of a victory.

Law Minister Hansraj Bharadwaj:

His father was a Nehru and Indira loyalist. Hansraj continued the family tradition and was a Rajiv loyalist. It’s only because of his unwavering loyalty that he’s been able to get nominated in Rajya Sabha time and time again. And, yes he was the person who went ahead with de-freezing Quatrochi’s Accounts, thus helping him to flee.

Similar things can be said about the likes of Mani Shanker Aiyar, Ambika Soni, Renuka Chowdhary etc. And who can forget the great Pratibha Patil, the most famous geriatric of India; senile, titular, puppet President.

The thing common to all of them is: They are all dogs. But it has to be said, to their credit, that they are dogs of the highest grade. They all have an exceptional record of parivar-service. If only we had a few dogs that are as loyal to India as these dogs are to Nehru-Gandhi parivar, our country would have surely progressed more.

Also, detestable was the way our newspapers announced this story. Look at the headlines of some of the popular newspapers:

“Rahul's elevation shows Cong confidence ahead of elections”

“Post-makeover, Cong gets future-ready”

“Another Yuvraj rises? Rahul made gen secy”

Some of them sounded like Congress propaganda rags proclaiming Rahul Gandhi’s appointment as a victory of youth over ‘old-guard’, and likening him to Dhoni, Yuvraj. If these newspaper rags had an ounce of objectivity left, they wouldn’t have shied away from describing what a contrast Rahul Gandhi’s appointment was to Dhoni’s appointment as the captain which was purely merit-based. They wouldn’t have refrained from drawing a contrast between India’s winning of World Cup and elevation of members of same family-dynasty in Congress.

To conclude the post, it makes sense to wonder: What would change if any one of us was in place of Rahul Gandhi born in the parivar? Nothing, actually. Even with more capabilities we would only be as worthy as the utterly useless, pumpkin Rahul Gandhi is. What would change if Rahul Gandhi was in our place? Much! He would have been nothing more than a watchman, if not a waiter.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Tuesday, September 25, 2007


We have started a comic strip called Making Headlines. The artist is Kapil Bhasin. The strip is still in its nascent stages, so please excuse the technical mistakes.

Monday, September 17, 2007

India's lexicon- more real than reality

I have come up with the idea of creating an India-specific lexicon which will cover words, epithets, famous personalities, political terms, economic terms, social jargon etc. and their meanings/what they stand for/description/usage . It’s an ongoing project, and I will be adding new terms regularly. Readers are requested to suggest me terms which can be included here. The following ten examples will give you a good idea:

1) Apathy:

a) Masses’ unwillingness to jack off over farmer’s plight.

b) Media’s inability to sensationalize and glamorize farmer-suicides.

2) ASI (Archaeological Survey of India):

Grave-diggers. Everything Hindu, including Ram, is a myth, as Hindus do not bury the corpse.

3) Common man:

a) The person who has cornered all the economic development since India’s independence, and the only person about whom every political party, particularly Congress is concerned about. In Hindi, referred to as ‘aam aadmi’.

b) Any invisible entity.

4) Competency:

Proximity to Gandhi-Nehru parivar.

Usage: We need leaders of competency. Let Rahul Gandhi’s cousin become India’s next PM, now that he has died.

5) Cricket:

The biggest religion in India; and the only one in which the existence of a god- Sachin Tendulkar- has been soundly disproved.

6) Feminism:

a) An ideology by which a woman viciously competes other women to prove her own superiority vis-à-vis men.

b) An ideology which canalizes women’s hatred of men towards a productive cause of pulling down other bitches.

7) Hindustan Times (HT):

Unofficial spokesperson of Pakistan’s diplomatic ambassador to India. Also, since the name is Hindustan times, the paper voices concerns of Bangladesh, Nepal, Burma, Afghanistan and India too.

8) Secularism:

a) Controlling the spread of Hinduism, and promoting Islam and Christianity.

b) Broad-mindedness to allow yourself to be blackmailed by threats of ‘minority-estrangement’, and glorifying the same.

Usage: India is a secular country. In most of the Hindu-Muslim riots, more Hindus have been killed.

(9) Traffic-cop:

a) An entity that teaches rich bastards the value of money, and not-so-rich the benefits of extortion.

b) The only pedestrian in India, who’s safe from the excesses of negligent drunk-drivers.