How India reacted to bomb-blasts which occurred in Hyderabad on 25/8/07

The media community got a rude shock when the Indian Prime Minister Mr. Atal Bihari Hajpayee refrained from commenting anything whatsoever in the press conference which was held after the twin blasts that rocked the city of Hyderabad on 25th August, 07.

AB Hajpayee evinced the same characteristic demeanor and body-language that he was known for. He carefully listened to the reporter’s question (the first and the only one), slipped into a state that’s perceived as ‘coma’, flung his hands, blinked his eyebrows- all this, as usual, occurred in a span of two hours- after which it looked like Hajpayee would utter a few words, provide the much-awaited reaction, and delineate his strategy of combating terror. But that wasn’t to be. The press-conference was, at that point, called off by RSS citing 'colossal waste of time' as the reason.

Faced with the possibility of not delivering any 'breaking news' on the hottest issue of that day, media-people came up with an idea to avert the same by speculating various “what-if” scenarios, with respect to how would have some of the other Indian political leaders reacted to these blasts.

First, they speculated how YSR Rut-ti and his party would have reacted to Hyderabad blasts. After a discussion, they thought this is how he would have reacted:

"What do you expect us to do? Do you want us to keep vigil on all the chaat-eating people?"

"The state government will definitely not have the wherewithal to go into this sort of intelligence operations.”

Then, they speculated how Shivraj Pothole would have reacted:

"When floods and incidents like these happen, people try to help each other to mitigate suffering."

"We did what we felt was right. Such incidents, in fact, took place even after POTA was brought in."

"The country is very big and even if we have the information that something is likely to happen, sometimes we don't know when and where this is likely to happen."

Then, they speculated what would Muckmoron Singh have done. After discussion, they came to the conclusion that he would have decided to create a special permanent fund for the victims of terrorist attacks.

After this hypothesizing was over, some of the news-channels decided to conduct a poll to decide which amongst these should be considered ‘the most appropriate reaction’. Votes/SMS’/Phone-calls came in from all parts of India, and the vote-split (average of all the channels) read as:

20%: Hajpayee’s reaction was the most appropriate
80%: The bail given to Sanjay Dutt and Salman Khan was a right thing

So it was concluded that Vajpayee’s reaction- that of maintaining complete Silence- was indeed better than the reactions which others would have hypothetically given.

This is how India tackled the sinister problem of Terrorism, after twin blasts that ravaged Hyderabad, and on the next day of the blasts, everyone was at work, performing daily chores and gossiping “How come only 80% of people think that Sanjay Dutt and Salman Khan deserve to be free?”, “What was Sanjay Dutt doing in Vaishno Devi?” and the headlines “Hyderabad is a resilient city", “Resilent Hyderabad bounces right back”, were splashed all over the newspapers and TVs.

Thus, all was well till the Terrorists came to kill again.

Time for another revolution: ‘Blackening the faces of alleged criminals’ to uproot Crime in India

News-story link

There comes a time when Injustice assumes enormous proportions, Police inaction is at its peak, ordinary citizens’ patience with existing law and order structure at its lowest ebb. This is the point where something extraordinary happens, and changes the posterity forever. In 2007, this ‘something extraordinary’ has taken a shape of ‘picking up a coal-powder packet and blackening the faces of alleged criminals', for the noble purpose of ending the crimes & social problems in this country forever.

I appeal to people to shrug the complacency, give up the lackadaisical approach to life, wake up from the slumber and pickup the ember! Join hands with me and many other disenchanted citizens to blacken the faces of villains such as dishonest school-principles, wanton professors, inept railway station masters, corrupt ticket-checkers, and many such scumbags.

This is not the time to wait for inept police & inefficient courts to play their respective roles. This is not the time to crib about the injustice you’ve suffered. This is the time to pick up coal from the nearby shop- or preferably a coal-powder packet- incite a mob of a few handfuls, call up the media channels, and blacken the faces of those alleged criminals, and serve the society with an example as to how dreadful the consequences will be, if you create situations which lead people to make grave allegations against you.

If we don’t act now, and don’t blacken the faces of the alleged criminals, our future generations will have to pay a hefty price. Yes, my friends, for the cost of not picking up a coal-powder packet is greater than cost of picking up one. (The latter is just 5 rupees). ‘The cost of inaction is greater than cost of action’, to put it in the words of George Bush, as spoken in the inspiring speech he made post-9/11-terrorist-attacks.

It’s the time to go straightaway to the school and chase that allegedly perverted professor up to the school-gate and blacken his face, or go straightaway to the railway stationmaster’s-office and blacken his face, and make him pay for his suspected inaction in improving railway facilities, or go straightaway to the hospital and blacken the face of the doctor who is alleged to have used indecent language against female patients.

After the faces of the said-alleged-criminals are blackened, they must be garlanded with chappals and paraded in the neighboring area. Just rub, rub and rub the coal-powder till the face starts resembling an Indian road that’s just been given a tar-finish, though in this case, unlike the tar-finish of Indian road that loses its luster too soon, the stigma of the coal-powder will stay on the alleged criminal’s face forever.

Let the sophistical arguments of those who oppose this measure deter you not! If they aver that you took the law in your hands, respond to it by saying that your hands were chock-a-block with coal-powder packets, how would you then have taken the law in your hands. If they lament that you should have waited for police to act, respond to it by citing how the police in real life are always late when it comes to taking action, just like they are in reel life. If they allege that you were being violent, ask them if the so-called victims of face-blackening haven’t ever played ‘Holi’ in their lives and how if they have, they should, for one more time, and if they have not, they should for the first time.

The detractors’ tongues will still continue to wag. They will even go so far as to allege that I am doing all this just to gain political mileage. That’s the trick by which they will attempt to deprive you-the self-appointed vigilante- of the credit for your deeds. But worry not, you will get full credit where it’s due. So make sure that all of you who are the members of my party completely dissociate yourselves from the party, in so far as your revolutionary “face-blackening” actions are concerned. For your actions, much as I would want to take some credit; for your benefit and for the benefit of this cause, I assure you, I shall completely distance myself from taking any.

Let the revolution whose seeds have already been sown be taken into the next stage! I have been informed that BEST bus-number 212 that commences at 9 am everyday in Mumbai is too-overcrowded and too uncomfortable-to-commute-by. Gear up! It’s time to blacken the face of the wretched bus-driver and end the problem of uncomfortable-commuting forever.

As Shahrukh Khan says in the ‘Lead India’ campaign ad., JUST DO IT!

Muggles Rule

The Wizards vs the Muggles

Right, I realise that we are all over Potter mania and have moved on to bigger and better things; such as, titillating ourselves by rubbing our nipples with the toy wands we bought when ‘The Deathly Hallows’ was released. This being said, I am sure there are still a few of the ‘I want to sniff Snape’s underwear’ types who are still re-reading the first six books, trying to find hints alluding to Snape’s love for Lily, Dumbledore’s friendship with Grindelwald, the existence of Aberfroth etc. Well, as always, we are here to help you. So let me just explain the reason for most of the events in the much awaited seventh book. They go a little like this:

1. Rowling is a kinky bitch and rushed through the book because she couldn’t wait for the last part where everyone starts making out.

2. She realised that everyone already knew who R.A.B. was and that Snape would end up as a hero and shat her pants as it dawned upon her that she didn’t have a storyline. She then went on to smear the crap all over the manuscript.

3. The only other probable ending was to have Harry and Voldy make out in the end in manifestation of their ‘connection’.

4. After Rowling got rich, she started hanging out a lot with Pete Doherty.

The only thing unpredictable about the seventh and final (hopefully) Potter book is that it has been over a month since the relsease and yet, for all the articles written both in favour and against the book; none have included this simple observation: Compared to wizards, we Muggles really rule. To be a wizard is every child’s fantasy. But after reading Potter, I’ve come to the conclusion that those wand waggling fools don’t have a patch on us.

Let me elucidate my point.
Voldemort is supposed to be aiming at taking over the world and enslaving muggles, right? Well what if he had a face off with the leader of the muggle world. Say this fictional leader was a man with the power of George Bush, the brains of Vishwanathan Anand and the Body of the Great Kali. This is how the conversation might go.

Voldy: Hey Muggle. I’m gonna take my army of 12 and a half Death Eaters, fly around on broomsticks and kill each one of you one by one with the killing curse.

Muggle leader: Really? Well I’m gonna gather some of my rather inferior and unmagical muggle stuff and nuke your fucking ass. Then I’m gonna send the MIGs up to finish off the few that managed to dangle around in the air.

Seriously, I’m supposed to believe that this great war is taking place in modern England and no one has had the brains to try pulling out a bazooka?

I’m guessing some pimply thirteen year old is reading this going “Oh, but Harry’s got his invisibility cloak which he’s been wearing on every third fucking page of every fucking book.” Well let me give you the lowdown sonny boy. If I’m in a duel with Harry Potter and I take an AK 47 and randomly fire a few rounds in the area around me, it ain’t gonna matter that I can’t see the little bastard. The son of a bitch is still gonna be seeing the white light..... and no, I’m not talking about the patronus charm.

Another thing I found rather primitive about the wizards in Rowling’s series, is the complicated ways in which they communicate with each other. I mean these supposed ‘magical folk’ are sending messages by owls for heaven’s sake, and that’s only when they’re not subjecting themselves to charring their faces on fires. I know it’s a fantasy book and that I’m not supposed to question the practicality of it all, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why, in a world which has London Station, fancy cars and even West Ham Utd., no one ever whips out a Nokia N-series to text someone: “Hey Voldy’s lurking around……and his snake’s looking a bit frisky.”

I guess the underlying message is that we have progressed so far, through technological development, that the word magic has barely any meaning anymore. I am not sure whether this makes me proud or depresses the shit out of me. I guess I’ll try and figure that one out while I’m playing with (I mean the clean kind, perves) my Hermione Granger action figure.

Final verdict on Wizards vs Muggles

Progress in medicine: Wizards – Regrowing bones overnight.
Muggles – Breast Implants.

I think you get the picture.

SUPERHERO Series- Commuting woes in Mumbai

Welcome to the wonderful, endearing and sometimes bizarre adventures of Superhero; an incorrigible 12 year old with an unstoppable desire to save the world. Superhero has no special powers, no funky gadgets and has never been bitten by a spider or any other members of the arachnid family. His sole weapon remains his unrelenting persistence to do good and his 'Never say die no matter how many times I am kicked in the face, beaten to a bloody pulp and exasperated by the hopelessness of the system' attitude.

There is much speculation as to how Superhero developed this rather naïve predicament. The widely accepted theory is that his parents told him when he was 6 that "One good deed could change the universe" and then were reduced to wasted potheads by the time he was 9 and had no time to tell him the truth about life i.e. "Trying to change anything feels like banging your head into a wall". Without this vital information Superhero has gone through his life to this day clinging on to the belief that he has the 'Power of one'. Superhero is assisted by his close friend "Sidekick", who though much wiser to the intricacies of life, than Superhero, is in awe of the infectious optimism that emanates from the young protégé. Together they fight crime, barriers to social development and anything else they find worth fighting in their motherland India.

Superhero : Stuck in Traffic

(Superhero has been waiting for an over an hour for his friend Sidekick at Infiniti mall in Andheri and is growing increasingly impatient. He kicks the candy floss machine in frustration and throws a scowl at the ice cream vendor.)

Sidekick: (entering wet and ragged) I’m sorry, sir. I’ve been stuck in traffic for the last one and a half hour.

Superhero: What? But you came here from Bandra. That’s less than 5 kilometers away. Are you saying that your average speed of travel was just 3.33 km/ph

Sidekick: I see you’ve finally studied time speed and distance, Sir. But it is an unfortunate truth that your calculation is indeed accurate.

Superhero: Why, that’s ridiculous Sidekick. This is supposed to be the commercial capital of the country. Surely there are faster ways to get from one place to the other.

Sidekick: Well I could have taken the train sir, but I would have been squashed in a sea of grime, sweat and decaying skin.

Superhero: Shit! I did not realize the state of Mumbai’s transport was in such a deplorable mess. We must do something about this Sidekick.

Sidekick: What can we do sir? This has been the state of the city for eons.

Superhero: Sidekick, I want you to summon the head of M.M.R.D.A., the head of the Western Railway Department and the Head of the BEST to this place immediately and I will call an emergency courtroom.

Sidekick: But Sir, These men are prestigious civil officers and we are just a couple of hyperactive twelve year olds. How do you expect me to just make them appear?

Superhero: For God’s sake Sidekick, this is a fictional series. When will you learn the power of the imagination?

(Superhero snaps his fingers and three dreary figures fall from the ceiling and land in a preposterous heap at the feet of Superhero and Sidekick)

Superhero: Gentlemen, I hereby call this court to attention.

(The three figures slowly lift themselves from the floor, murmuring and dusting the dirt of their jackets)

Superhero: I have called you here today to question the despicable treatment you have been dealing out to the people of Mumbai.

(Sidekick claps enthusiastically till Superhero glares at him menacingly)

Railways: What are you talking about? We have the most efficient local train system. Trains every three minutes and all that faff.

Sidekick: Trains every three minutes. Yet each one is packed to the brim with humans dangling outside like jellyfish in a fisherman’s net.

Railways: I see no harm in encouraging a little male bonding. It fosters patriotism.

Superhero: Then why is it that every time I enter a Mumbai local, all I hear is yelling and screaming.

Railways: Yelling, screaming and even fighting is an ancient Indian tradition by which we show true love for each other. Just look at the wonderful example our members of parliament set for us in this respect.

Superhero: (yelling) Shut the fuck up! I do not follow this crap tradition. (He takes off his shoe and flings it at Mr. Railway.)

Sidekick: Errrr…..You’re kind of proving his point sir.

Superhero: (picks up the candy floss machine and breaks it on Sidekick’s head) Hmmm….perhaps your right. But that surge of violence sure did feel good.

Railways: Mr. Superhero. What you don’t understand is the constant argy-bargy that takes place in our locals has become an integral part of a Mumbaikar’s life. You will notice that even when several compartments of a train are empty, people will look for the really crowded ones and all jam in there so they can enjoy a little bit of pushing, shoving and rubbing. So no matter how many tracks we lay, Mumbai will always have crowded trains as it is the will of the people.

Superhero: It all sounds rather queer to me.

MMRDA: What do trains matter anyway? We have promised to build so many wonderful new roads and flyovers.

Sidekick: (with the candy floss machine around his neck) But that’s exactly the point. Only a few privileged individuals can afford the cars for which these roads are built. What about the rest of the poor public. Shouldn’t the new roads be reserved for buses so that more people can benefit from them?

BEST: We thought about that. But then we realized it’s not in keeping with the new found capitalist motto of our country. The new mantra is “Give everything to the rich, so that more people are inspired to become rich”. So when the junta is standing at the bus stop looking at all the big seths driving their cars on the new roads, they will be inspired to earn money and buy cars. Thus India will prosper and the universe will be a better place for it.

Sidekick: But when more and more people buy cars, you will have to build more and more roads until there will be a point where the flyovers will be so high that people will need oxygen masks to drive on them.

Superhero: Hey, that sounds like fun.

MMRDA: You are right Sidekick. That is why we will not really build any flyovers at all. Nor will we build anything else. Because it’s all futile.

Superhero: But you just said….

BEST: He said that they have promised to build many roads. He never said he would actually build them.

Sidekick: What about a metro system? Or a BRTS? Or a sky bus? All legitimate options to alleviate the dreadful state of our transport system.

Railways: Nah. You guys don’t get the point. Mumbai would be nothing without its’ frustration levels. Therefore we will do nothing. And hope that people will get so frustrated that they will start killing each other off and then our present systems will be adequate for the reduced population.

MMRDA: Either that, or people will all go for stress therapy, attain nirvana and learn how to fly. So people would just fly from one place to the other.

Superhero: What a brilliant solution! I hereby pin a gold medal on the three of you and proclaim you to be saints of the city.

(The three of them accept their coronation and then fly away)

Superhero: Well this has certainly been a productive evening Sidekick.

Sidekick: (bemused) Just one thing, Sir. How are we going to get home?

Superhero: (realizing he has been duped) Dam it. I guess we are going to have to take the bus.

Thus ends Superhero's adventure with Mumbai’s traffic. Stay tune for more exciting adventures of Superhero and Sidekick. Till then remember,"Whenever hope fails you, whenever there is no light visible at the end of the tunnel, when it seems that there is no way out, there you will find your SUPERHERO!!!!"

Happy Independence Day: Are we really free?

Warning: This write-up is pointless, wretched, gross and absolutely detestable. If you puke or contract a convulsion in your stomach after reading this, consider it as a proof you being a perfectly normal human being. Read it at your own risk…

It fills my heart with inordinate pride that today India celebrates its 60^th year of independence. 15^{th of} August 1947 is the glorious, eventful day when India made a transition from being a British colony to an independent nation.

In my humble opinion, today is the day to do ask some tough questions; instead of just indulging in ego-boosting and reveling in our own past glories. Call me a cynic or a pessimistic prick, but looking at the current state of affairs in India, I am severely depressed. I am compelled to ask: Where is the Freedom? Have our politicians done enough to safeguard our Freedom? Are our country and all its masses really free? Have we done enough to ensure “Equal Opportunities for all”?

It’s imperative to analyze these questions in light of various inevitable problems that India is confounded with.

Let me get into specifics. Here’s a startling fact for you: A whole 40% of Indian population still dumps in private-toilets or in Sauchalyas (public toilets). Are India and its freedoms a monopoly of the other 60% that goes on pooping day in day out in open with monopolistic freedom? What have the politicians done to encourage the rest of India-40%- to start defecating in open, on roads, on railway tracks, on railway platforms? Where are the opportunities for them?

It’s time we take this issue seriously. Put yourself into the shoes of an average commuter belonging to the 40% I referred to, traveling in Mumbai local at 8 am, who’s unmistakably forced to countenance the site of a few ‘privileged’ men squatting like toads releasing another piece of stool, on an adjoining track; and you would understand how deprived these 40% of population I am referring to actually is. Ditto is the case with passengers commuting through buses, with the site of men pooing on the roads/pavements! This, surely, is one area where those who actually miss the bus (or the train) are actually the ones who haven’t missed the bus (or the train), and those who have missed the bus (or the train) are the ones who have actually got onto the bus (or the train), if you understand what I am saying.

Besides, how else are we going to deal with water-scarcity and drainage issues? It’s time to remind ourselves that water is not something that we can generate manually. (don’t tell me that we can while we pee, no we don’t! Peeing is just a case of GIGO- Gold In Garbage Out). The more we depend on water, more we depend on the caprices of nature. Also, with every flush, we expend around 8-10 liters of water, clearly a colossal waste of water. More the water flushed down, more the pressure is on our creaky, inadequate drainage-system that overflows so regularly. The private toilets ought to go if we have to live in a sustainable world.

Why can’t our Government pass a law that illegalizes all the personal toilets, and gives 40% of people a chance to upgrade themselves and join the rest 60% of Indians who defecate in open? They will be more than glad to. If they are not, then the Government can always force them to, by destroying the private toilets and sending the numskulls who violate the government rule, behind the bars, so as to set an example. What can’t be done with peace can be done with force. Just because the 40% doesn’t understand how defecating in open is in their best interests in both the short-run and the long-run, doesn’t mean Government allows them to stay ignorant. Like the shepherd who guides his flock of sheep, it’s time for Government to goad the 40% of Indians to utilize the freedom of dumping in open. Government needs to ensure that there are enough open spaces and more importantly, these open spaces have to be well spread out and not be concentrated in just a few areas. I can speak from experience that much as I want to dump on the railway track, it’s simply not possible for me to hold my crap for half-an-hour- the time that it takes for me to reach the nearest railway track from my house. Besides, Government needs to ensure that a person isn’t unduly worried about whether there is a train running on the track or not. For this, there have to dedicated tracks where no train runs and which are only used as dumping zones.

Another concern is that people using private loos will just start using sauchalyas instead of open spaces. I have a solution to work around this problem. The Sauchalyas’ rates can be increased from Rs 1 to Rs. 1000 in the initial stages, after the Law that “illegalizes private-toilets” is passed, so that people who were using private toilets start using the Sauchalyas, and those who were using Sauchalyas shift to defecating in open. Then after some time, Sauchalya rates can be dropped back to Rs1, and then the people who were still using Sauchalyas will also shift to defecating in open. (Why? Refer to Chivas Regal effect theory).With enough focus and planning, this measure will definitely bridge the inequality-gap of “defecating in open” that exists in India, between the so-called haves and have-nots. Some of you might be tempted to ask: “Why not just simply destroy Sauchalyas?” To that, all I can say is: that’s not going to happen. Politicians are never going to directly admit that constructing Sauchalyas was a mistake on their part, which ought to be undone, and hence let’s try to be realistic.

Lastly, this measure will go a long way towards improving the secular and pluralist fabric of our country. We have seen the movie Krantiveer, wherein Nana Patekar bangs a piece of stone on his own fingers and on those of Muslim character in the movie till he draws blood, asking him to distinguish between Hindu’s blood and Muslim’s blood, and concluding with the line: “If God was no one to discriminate between a Hindu and a Muslim, who was he to?”. Similarly, the more people defecate in open in groups, more they will see the fact that the color of their stool isn’t different (minor differences maybe), and understand why it makes sense not to fight on the basis of caste/religion/language/region, as all of ours’ shit color is the same.

The day when every Indian is out there defecating in open, with hands wrapped around his fellow mates defecating alongside him, till the point he, regrettably, is compelled to wipe his arse with minimal amount of water; will be a day when India will be actually considered free! Till then, Happy Farcical Independence Day folks!