Muggles Rule

The Wizards vs the Muggles

Right, I realise that we are all over Potter mania and have moved on to bigger and better things; such as, titillating ourselves by rubbing our nipples with the toy wands we bought when ‘The Deathly Hallows’ was released. This being said, I am sure there are still a few of the ‘I want to sniff Snape’s underwear’ types who are still re-reading the first six books, trying to find hints alluding to Snape’s love for Lily, Dumbledore’s friendship with Grindelwald, the existence of Aberfroth etc. Well, as always, we are here to help you. So let me just explain the reason for most of the events in the much awaited seventh book. They go a little like this:

1. Rowling is a kinky bitch and rushed through the book because she couldn’t wait for the last part where everyone starts making out.

2. She realised that everyone already knew who R.A.B. was and that Snape would end up as a hero and shat her pants as it dawned upon her that she didn’t have a storyline. She then went on to smear the crap all over the manuscript.

3. The only other probable ending was to have Harry and Voldy make out in the end in manifestation of their ‘connection’.

4. After Rowling got rich, she started hanging out a lot with Pete Doherty.

The only thing unpredictable about the seventh and final (hopefully) Potter book is that it has been over a month since the relsease and yet, for all the articles written both in favour and against the book; none have included this simple observation: Compared to wizards, we Muggles really rule. To be a wizard is every child’s fantasy. But after reading Potter, I’ve come to the conclusion that those wand waggling fools don’t have a patch on us.

Let me elucidate my point.
Voldemort is supposed to be aiming at taking over the world and enslaving muggles, right? Well what if he had a face off with the leader of the muggle world. Say this fictional leader was a man with the power of George Bush, the brains of Vishwanathan Anand and the Body of the Great Kali. This is how the conversation might go.

Voldy: Hey Muggle. I’m gonna take my army of 12 and a half Death Eaters, fly around on broomsticks and kill each one of you one by one with the killing curse.

Muggle leader: Really? Well I’m gonna gather some of my rather inferior and unmagical muggle stuff and nuke your fucking ass. Then I’m gonna send the MIGs up to finish off the few that managed to dangle around in the air.

Seriously, I’m supposed to believe that this great war is taking place in modern England and no one has had the brains to try pulling out a bazooka?

I’m guessing some pimply thirteen year old is reading this going “Oh, but Harry’s got his invisibility cloak which he’s been wearing on every third fucking page of every fucking book.” Well let me give you the lowdown sonny boy. If I’m in a duel with Harry Potter and I take an AK 47 and randomly fire a few rounds in the area around me, it ain’t gonna matter that I can’t see the little bastard. The son of a bitch is still gonna be seeing the white light..... and no, I’m not talking about the patronus charm.

Another thing I found rather primitive about the wizards in Rowling’s series, is the complicated ways in which they communicate with each other. I mean these supposed ‘magical folk’ are sending messages by owls for heaven’s sake, and that’s only when they’re not subjecting themselves to charring their faces on fires. I know it’s a fantasy book and that I’m not supposed to question the practicality of it all, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why, in a world which has London Station, fancy cars and even West Ham Utd., no one ever whips out a Nokia N-series to text someone: “Hey Voldy’s lurking around……and his snake’s looking a bit frisky.”

I guess the underlying message is that we have progressed so far, through technological development, that the word magic has barely any meaning anymore. I am not sure whether this makes me proud or depresses the shit out of me. I guess I’ll try and figure that one out while I’m playing with (I mean the clean kind, perves) my Hermione Granger action figure.

Final verdict on Wizards vs Muggles

Progress in medicine: Wizards – Regrowing bones overnight.
Muggles – Breast Implants.

I think you get the picture.

Couch Economics

I disagree with the notion that man is inherently lazy and unmotivated. I am pretty sure that everyone would love to make billions, build buildings, invent stuff and save the world from poverty and hunger. The only thing holding them back is that their couches are way too comfortable. This may seem a ludicrous theory, but if you observe human patterns carefully you will find an alarming amount of legitimacy in it.

Think about the last time you were sitting on your couch and decided on a time that you would get your ass off the couch and do something else. How often have you actually got up at that exact time? How many important appointments have you missed because you could not bear to lift your head of the soft cushion that had been gently massaging it for the last hour? How many times have you dreamed up brilliant ideas and things to do but not executed them but instead taken a snooze on the couch while watching Oprah?

Once this theory is understood, it can be used to define accurate and useful economic corollaries. Here are a few:

1. Couch comfort

The rate of economic growth of a nation is directly proportionate to the average discomfort levels of couches in the metropolitans of that country.

In other words, rather than spending money on installing infrastructure, the main focus of the government should be on putting strict regulations on the manufacturing of couches. This way, they save on cotton that can be exported at profits to Mexico; and also create a workforce that is doing something other than dropping juice on themselves while disintegrating into slobs. It's a bit of a tricky situation though, because you cannot afford to make the couches so uncomfortable that it becomes impossible for citizens to rest on them in times of dire stress and exhaustion. This would create grievous unrest amongst the people which would ultimately affect their productivity thus leading to underutilization of capacity. What we need is to find a carefully defined standard of 'couch comfort' which would be just enough to provide relief to those who have worked enough to truly deserve it but not enough to entice employees to dedicate their lives to finding excuses to spend time with the couch.

2. Couch positioning

The productivity of a household is directly proportionate to the distance of the couch from the television.

A comfortable couch is a dangerous barrier to economic growth in itself. But a comfortable couch placed at a suitable viewing distance from the television is nothing short of a national disaster. In this case, not only is a person in a position so relaxing that it is almost orgasmic, but he also has some external stimuli to help lull his brain into the equivalent of a dry cabbage.

The ideal positioning of a couch would be right in front of a plain white wall. The wall should, preferably, not have any cracks which the 'couchee' might gain amusement out of playing with or imagining as a segment of the river Nile. Care must be taken to keep all markers, pens, pencils etc. out of arm's reach of the couch so as to deter the proliferation of the respected art of wall scribbling.

3. Performance evaluation

The contribution of a citizen to the economic progress of his country is inversely proportionate to the depth of the ass print on his/her couch.

Employees have over time and after reading several Dilbert books, become extremely conniving when it comes to pulling the wool over their employer's eyes as far as their actual productivity is concerned. There are many members of the workforce who have succeeded in appearing to be the embodiment of work ethic and dedication, while secretly living as slothful decadents.

The 'ass print' measure would permanently put an end to the dilemma of evaluating the laziness and productivity of individuals. The deeper the 'ass print', the more likely the person will bunk meetings, call in sick on days when the movie channels are showing specials and snooze through deal signings.

In conclusion, I'd like to prove my point by making you all purr with excitement and longing when I tell you to imagine this: "Couches in the office instead of chairs". Mmmmmm! Let the degeneration begin.