Muggles Rule

The Wizards vs the Muggles

Right, I realise that we are all over Potter mania and have moved on to bigger and better things; such as, titillating ourselves by rubbing our nipples with the toy wands we bought when ‘The Deathly Hallows’ was released. This being said, I am sure there are still a few of the ‘I want to sniff Snape’s underwear’ types who are still re-reading the first six books, trying to find hints alluding to Snape’s love for Lily, Dumbledore’s friendship with Grindelwald, the existence of Aberfroth etc. Well, as always, we are here to help you. So let me just explain the reason for most of the events in the much awaited seventh book. They go a little like this:

1. Rowling is a kinky bitch and rushed through the book because she couldn’t wait for the last part where everyone starts making out.

2. She realised that everyone already knew who R.A.B. was and that Snape would end up as a hero and shat her pants as it dawned upon her that she didn’t have a storyline. She then went on to smear the crap all over the manuscript.

3. The only other probable ending was to have Harry and Voldy make out in the end in manifestation of their ‘connection’.

4. After Rowling got rich, she started hanging out a lot with Pete Doherty.

The only thing unpredictable about the seventh and final (hopefully) Potter book is that it has been over a month since the relsease and yet, for all the articles written both in favour and against the book; none have included this simple observation: Compared to wizards, we Muggles really rule. To be a wizard is every child’s fantasy. But after reading Potter, I’ve come to the conclusion that those wand waggling fools don’t have a patch on us.

Let me elucidate my point.
Voldemort is supposed to be aiming at taking over the world and enslaving muggles, right? Well what if he had a face off with the leader of the muggle world. Say this fictional leader was a man with the power of George Bush, the brains of Vishwanathan Anand and the Body of the Great Kali. This is how the conversation might go.

Voldy: Hey Muggle. I’m gonna take my army of 12 and a half Death Eaters, fly around on broomsticks and kill each one of you one by one with the killing curse.

Muggle leader: Really? Well I’m gonna gather some of my rather inferior and unmagical muggle stuff and nuke your fucking ass. Then I’m gonna send the MIGs up to finish off the few that managed to dangle around in the air.

Seriously, I’m supposed to believe that this great war is taking place in modern England and no one has had the brains to try pulling out a bazooka?

I’m guessing some pimply thirteen year old is reading this going “Oh, but Harry’s got his invisibility cloak which he’s been wearing on every third fucking page of every fucking book.” Well let me give you the lowdown sonny boy. If I’m in a duel with Harry Potter and I take an AK 47 and randomly fire a few rounds in the area around me, it ain’t gonna matter that I can’t see the little bastard. The son of a bitch is still gonna be seeing the white light..... and no, I’m not talking about the patronus charm.

Another thing I found rather primitive about the wizards in Rowling’s series, is the complicated ways in which they communicate with each other. I mean these supposed ‘magical folk’ are sending messages by owls for heaven’s sake, and that’s only when they’re not subjecting themselves to charring their faces on fires. I know it’s a fantasy book and that I’m not supposed to question the practicality of it all, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why, in a world which has London Station, fancy cars and even West Ham Utd., no one ever whips out a Nokia N-series to text someone: “Hey Voldy’s lurking around……and his snake’s looking a bit frisky.”

I guess the underlying message is that we have progressed so far, through technological development, that the word magic has barely any meaning anymore. I am not sure whether this makes me proud or depresses the shit out of me. I guess I’ll try and figure that one out while I’m playing with (I mean the clean kind, perves) my Hermione Granger action figure.

Final verdict on Wizards vs Muggles

Progress in medicine: Wizards – Regrowing bones overnight.
Muggles – Breast Implants.

I think you get the picture.