Couch Economics

I disagree with the notion that man is inherently lazy and unmotivated. I am pretty sure that everyone would love to make billions, build buildings, invent stuff and save the world from poverty and hunger. The only thing holding them back is that their couches are way too comfortable. This may seem a ludicrous theory, but if you observe human patterns carefully you will find an alarming amount of legitimacy in it.

Think about the last time you were sitting on your couch and decided on a time that you would get your ass off the couch and do something else. How often have you actually got up at that exact time? How many important appointments have you missed because you could not bear to lift your head of the soft cushion that had been gently massaging it for the last hour? How many times have you dreamed up brilliant ideas and things to do but not executed them but instead taken a snooze on the couch while watching Oprah?

Once this theory is understood, it can be used to define accurate and useful economic corollaries. Here are a few:

1. Couch comfort

The rate of economic growth of a nation is directly proportionate to the average discomfort levels of couches in the metropolitans of that country.

In other words, rather than spending money on installing infrastructure, the main focus of the government should be on putting strict regulations on the manufacturing of couches. This way, they save on cotton that can be exported at profits to Mexico; and also create a workforce that is doing something other than dropping juice on themselves while disintegrating into slobs. It's a bit of a tricky situation though, because you cannot afford to make the couches so uncomfortable that it becomes impossible for citizens to rest on them in times of dire stress and exhaustion. This would create grievous unrest amongst the people which would ultimately affect their productivity thus leading to underutilization of capacity. What we need is to find a carefully defined standard of 'couch comfort' which would be just enough to provide relief to those who have worked enough to truly deserve it but not enough to entice employees to dedicate their lives to finding excuses to spend time with the couch.

2. Couch positioning

The productivity of a household is directly proportionate to the distance of the couch from the television.

A comfortable couch is a dangerous barrier to economic growth in itself. But a comfortable couch placed at a suitable viewing distance from the television is nothing short of a national disaster. In this case, not only is a person in a position so relaxing that it is almost orgasmic, but he also has some external stimuli to help lull his brain into the equivalent of a dry cabbage.

The ideal positioning of a couch would be right in front of a plain white wall. The wall should, preferably, not have any cracks which the 'couchee' might gain amusement out of playing with or imagining as a segment of the river Nile. Care must be taken to keep all markers, pens, pencils etc. out of arm's reach of the couch so as to deter the proliferation of the respected art of wall scribbling.

3. Performance evaluation

The contribution of a citizen to the economic progress of his country is inversely proportionate to the depth of the ass print on his/her couch.

Employees have over time and after reading several Dilbert books, become extremely conniving when it comes to pulling the wool over their employer's eyes as far as their actual productivity is concerned. There are many members of the workforce who have succeeded in appearing to be the embodiment of work ethic and dedication, while secretly living as slothful decadents.

The 'ass print' measure would permanently put an end to the dilemma of evaluating the laziness and productivity of individuals. The deeper the 'ass print', the more likely the person will bunk meetings, call in sick on days when the movie channels are showing specials and snooze through deal signings.

In conclusion, I'd like to prove my point by making you all purr with excitement and longing when I tell you to imagine this: "Couches in the office instead of chairs". Mmmmmm! Let the degeneration begin.