Drunk Driving - Man Friday

So, it appears that all the naka bandi, excessive torch shining and dubiously enthusiastic breath smelling that has become very much a regular feature of Mumbai’s night life is not just an excuse for Cops to come close to people’s faces. Reports state that the number of road accident deaths in the month of July 2007 was nearly 50% less than those reported for the same month in previous year. The police have naturally taken the opportunity to revel in their apparent success and the press seems to have been either coaxed or pistol whipped into joining the party. Yogesh Joshi’s front page article in the Hajisthan Times where he eulogizes the Mumbai Police’s drive against ‘drink driving’ seems to suggest that the aforementioned party wasn’t exactly a dry one itself. Do I smell hypocrisy? It couldn’t be.

Anyway, after the reader finally deciphers the cryptic mess and realizes that the term ‘drink driving’ is indeed a reference to ‘drunk driving’ and not just some new ride that has been introduced at Essel World, the Hajisthan’s Times article goes on to reveal that in actual numeric terms, the number of deaths in road accidents has reduced by only 30 (from 68 to 38) in July 2007 as compared to previous years. It seems to have been slightly overlooked that this kind of discrepancy in yearly death tolls could well have been caused by other factors such as

1. The comparatively sparse rainfall received by the city this July
2. The fact that traffic (even at night) has increased so much that it is
becoming hard to drive over the speed of 40 km/h making it almost impossible
to have a fatal car accident
3. The fact that numbers reported by the police have the validity of disposed
sanitary napkins.

Assuming the police’s supposed campaign against drunk driving has been the reason for the reduced deaths, a simple question comes to mind i.e. “Why the fuck haven’t they done this before?” Unfortunately the simplicity of the question has transpired into it having escaped the minds of the Great Indian Press.

I promised myself this wouldn’t be another cynical article. So, before I once again work myself into an agitated frenzy of hair pulling, authority bashing and name calling, I’d like to come back to the core problem: How can the problem of drunk driving be curbed?
Yes, the police have become far more vigilant with respect to the issue and the constant checks and stricter punishments will no doubt immensely contribute to eradicating the problem. But what seems to have eluded the grasp of the conceited and prudish authorities is that while putting a clamp on drinking and driving is an explicit necessity, the provision of an alternate is just as crucial.
See, the truth is, that a fair number if not the majority of the inhabitants of our metropolitans enjoy the odd drink and not all of us are the belligerent anti-social elements that the authorities portray us as. Unlike some of the politicians who label us as outcastes, we do not have the luxury of having personal bars with small time Tamil actresses as dancing girls, in our homes, nor do we have the benefit of an entourage including cars with sirens to take us pub-hopping.

So what does a common man like me do when he wants to grab a few beers on a Friday night? Public transport dissolves itself as an option the minute there are women involved. No girl in their right mind would risk taking a cab after 1 o clock in this city, with or without a man accompanying them and especially not after having had a few drinks. Ironically, the HT’s article on the diminution of drunk driving has a footer for an article titled “Crime against women on the rise”

The only viable option is to cajole some South Indian teetotaler named Naidu into becoming a part of your group and then assigning him the job of designated driver on your nights out. The plan works like clockwork until Naidu realizes that while the rest of the guys in the group are making it with drunken bimbos in the back-seat; he is having trouble performing on himself at home because his hand hurts from moving the dam gear stick.
The dilemma usually ends up with people convincing themselves that they will not drink more than they can handle and that they will be very careful while driving. I confess to having done the same myself. I am not trying to make any excuses. All I am saying is that the majority of people on the roads on a weekend night truly believe that they are not incapacitated enough for it to affect their driving. The problem of course is that there is no definite way of telling just how much a particular individual can drink and sill be in control of a vehicle. So it becomes imperative that any alcohol level detected in the blood of a driver be treated as a case of drunk driving.

Before you sneer at my suggestion, please bear heed to the fact that it is not a comprehensive plan but rather an idea which I hope will eventually manifest into something that contributes to lessening the increasing problem of drunk driving in Mumbai. My idea is simply to have a sepcialised taxi service exclusively for the purpose of taking people to and fro from pubs and clubs in the city. The service should be run on a public private partnership basis with the government licensing the job out to a reputed private company while providing subsidy and continuing to be involved in maintaining the security of the system. The service will afford people the ability to call for a cab within an hour of their departure. The cab will then pick them up at an exact time and be theirs for the rest of the night. The hirer will be free to use the cab to hop from one pub to another and the driver will stay with the group until they are dropped home.
There are two factors which are key to the success of such a system:

1. Trust - As I mentioned earlier, people shy away from using public transport at night primarily because they consider it unsafe. Hence it is imperative that this specialized service builds a feeling of trust amongst the potential users. An important step in this direction is to restrict the service to one specifically for the purpose of ‘pub and club hopping’. This way, consumers will know that the drivers are being hired with this specifically in mind. Also the service must be licensed to a reputed company and the government must back it all the way. The look of the service is also very important. A well dressed chauffeur in uniform and a sleek looking cab immediately trigger a feeling of comfort in the party goers’ minds.

2. Cost – Considering the amount people spend on drinks and entry charges at clubs, one would assume that they wouldn’t mind spending at least a quarter of that amount on their own safety. Unfortunately in a country riddled with the penny wise and the pound foolish, this is not the case and any fee of over Rs.400 for transport on a night-out would I’m afraid be an instant turn off.
This poses a bit of a dilemma, as in order to maintain the trust mentioned above, the company cannot afford to cut back on driver’s salaries or other expenses. The only reasonable solution seems to be for the government to subsidise the service. Another possibility is to tie up with leading pubs and clubs and arrange a system whereby the users of this specialized taxi service are entitled to discounts at those places. This would give the clubs/pubs good P.R. in terms of them being anti- drunk-driving institutions and will also encourage the use of the service.

As the service picks up, certain other elements can be added along the way such as closable windows between the front seat and back, to allow certain other unmentionable activities that couples get up to on their nights out. Regular clubbers could be given license to ask for the same driver and car repeatedly so that they feel a sense of ownership over the vehicle.

As I said, this is only an idea in its nascent stage. There always will be some idiots who will want to show off their fancy rollers and will laugh at this article and say “Don’t drink and drive, you might spill” and then find themselves very funny. But I do believe my idea is one that could, if worked upon, have a significant impact in curbing this social problem that has seemed to flare it’s nostrils off late.

SUPERHERO Series- Commuting woes in Mumbai

Welcome to the wonderful, endearing and sometimes bizarre adventures of Superhero; an incorrigible 12 year old with an unstoppable desire to save the world. Superhero has no special powers, no funky gadgets and has never been bitten by a spider or any other members of the arachnid family. His sole weapon remains his unrelenting persistence to do good and his 'Never say die no matter how many times I am kicked in the face, beaten to a bloody pulp and exasperated by the hopelessness of the system' attitude.

There is much speculation as to how Superhero developed this rather naïve predicament. The widely accepted theory is that his parents told him when he was 6 that "One good deed could change the universe" and then were reduced to wasted potheads by the time he was 9 and had no time to tell him the truth about life i.e. "Trying to change anything feels like banging your head into a wall". Without this vital information Superhero has gone through his life to this day clinging on to the belief that he has the 'Power of one'. Superhero is assisted by his close friend "Sidekick", who though much wiser to the intricacies of life, than Superhero, is in awe of the infectious optimism that emanates from the young protégé. Together they fight crime, barriers to social development and anything else they find worth fighting in their motherland India.

Superhero : Stuck in Traffic

(Superhero has been waiting for an over an hour for his friend Sidekick at Infiniti mall in Andheri and is growing increasingly impatient. He kicks the candy floss machine in frustration and throws a scowl at the ice cream vendor.)

Sidekick: (entering wet and ragged) I’m sorry, sir. I’ve been stuck in traffic for the last one and a half hour.

Superhero: What? But you came here from Bandra. That’s less than 5 kilometers away. Are you saying that your average speed of travel was just 3.33 km/ph

Sidekick: I see you’ve finally studied time speed and distance, Sir. But it is an unfortunate truth that your calculation is indeed accurate.

Superhero: Why, that’s ridiculous Sidekick. This is supposed to be the commercial capital of the country. Surely there are faster ways to get from one place to the other.

Sidekick: Well I could have taken the train sir, but I would have been squashed in a sea of grime, sweat and decaying skin.

Superhero: Shit! I did not realize the state of Mumbai’s transport was in such a deplorable mess. We must do something about this Sidekick.

Sidekick: What can we do sir? This has been the state of the city for eons.

Superhero: Sidekick, I want you to summon the head of M.M.R.D.A., the head of the Western Railway Department and the Head of the BEST to this place immediately and I will call an emergency courtroom.

Sidekick: But Sir, These men are prestigious civil officers and we are just a couple of hyperactive twelve year olds. How do you expect me to just make them appear?

Superhero: For God’s sake Sidekick, this is a fictional series. When will you learn the power of the imagination?

(Superhero snaps his fingers and three dreary figures fall from the ceiling and land in a preposterous heap at the feet of Superhero and Sidekick)

Superhero: Gentlemen, I hereby call this court to attention.

(The three figures slowly lift themselves from the floor, murmuring and dusting the dirt of their jackets)

Superhero: I have called you here today to question the despicable treatment you have been dealing out to the people of Mumbai.

(Sidekick claps enthusiastically till Superhero glares at him menacingly)

Railways: What are you talking about? We have the most efficient local train system. Trains every three minutes and all that faff.

Sidekick: Trains every three minutes. Yet each one is packed to the brim with humans dangling outside like jellyfish in a fisherman’s net.

Railways: I see no harm in encouraging a little male bonding. It fosters patriotism.

Superhero: Then why is it that every time I enter a Mumbai local, all I hear is yelling and screaming.

Railways: Yelling, screaming and even fighting is an ancient Indian tradition by which we show true love for each other. Just look at the wonderful example our members of parliament set for us in this respect.

Superhero: (yelling) Shut the fuck up! I do not follow this crap tradition. (He takes off his shoe and flings it at Mr. Railway.)

Sidekick: Errrr…..You’re kind of proving his point sir.

Superhero: (picks up the candy floss machine and breaks it on Sidekick’s head) Hmmm….perhaps your right. But that surge of violence sure did feel good.

Railways: Mr. Superhero. What you don’t understand is the constant argy-bargy that takes place in our locals has become an integral part of a Mumbaikar’s life. You will notice that even when several compartments of a train are empty, people will look for the really crowded ones and all jam in there so they can enjoy a little bit of pushing, shoving and rubbing. So no matter how many tracks we lay, Mumbai will always have crowded trains as it is the will of the people.

Superhero: It all sounds rather queer to me.

MMRDA: What do trains matter anyway? We have promised to build so many wonderful new roads and flyovers.

Sidekick: (with the candy floss machine around his neck) But that’s exactly the point. Only a few privileged individuals can afford the cars for which these roads are built. What about the rest of the poor public. Shouldn’t the new roads be reserved for buses so that more people can benefit from them?

BEST: We thought about that. But then we realized it’s not in keeping with the new found capitalist motto of our country. The new mantra is “Give everything to the rich, so that more people are inspired to become rich”. So when the junta is standing at the bus stop looking at all the big seths driving their cars on the new roads, they will be inspired to earn money and buy cars. Thus India will prosper and the universe will be a better place for it.

Sidekick: But when more and more people buy cars, you will have to build more and more roads until there will be a point where the flyovers will be so high that people will need oxygen masks to drive on them.

Superhero: Hey, that sounds like fun.

MMRDA: You are right Sidekick. That is why we will not really build any flyovers at all. Nor will we build anything else. Because it’s all futile.

Superhero: But you just said….

BEST: He said that they have promised to build many roads. He never said he would actually build them.

Sidekick: What about a metro system? Or a BRTS? Or a sky bus? All legitimate options to alleviate the dreadful state of our transport system.

Railways: Nah. You guys don’t get the point. Mumbai would be nothing without its’ frustration levels. Therefore we will do nothing. And hope that people will get so frustrated that they will start killing each other off and then our present systems will be adequate for the reduced population.

MMRDA: Either that, or people will all go for stress therapy, attain nirvana and learn how to fly. So people would just fly from one place to the other.

Superhero: What a brilliant solution! I hereby pin a gold medal on the three of you and proclaim you to be saints of the city.

(The three of them accept their coronation and then fly away)

Superhero: Well this has certainly been a productive evening Sidekick.

Sidekick: (bemused) Just one thing, Sir. How are we going to get home?

Superhero: (realizing he has been duped) Dam it. I guess we are going to have to take the bus.

Thus ends Superhero's adventure with Mumbai’s traffic. Stay tune for more exciting adventures of Superhero and Sidekick. Till then remember,"Whenever hope fails you, whenever there is no light visible at the end of the tunnel, when it seems that there is no way out, there you will find your SUPERHERO!!!!"